I am thinking outloud again...

I have a show tonight and Sunday. Also, here’s a funny video…

2011-11-10T17:46:00.001-06:00

I'm doing stand-up before the sketch comedy of Just The Tip. The show is tonight at 8pm at the Cornservatory, 4210 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago, IL.

I know. Short notice. I suck at promoting myself, and being on time. How's your Sunday looking? Good. Then you should go to The Town Hall Pub (3340 N. Halsted) to stare at me indifferently as I dick around at Entertaining Julia at 9:30. It's a free variety show, and everyone who shows up is the coolest person in town. That's a scientific fact!

Aaaaand here's that funny video I promised. I'm not in it because it's not always about me guys. At least today it isn't.

The Doors Tribute Band Online University is made possible through a charitable trust from Think Tank Comedy, a grant from the Chad Briggs council and views like you.

Shameless Self Promo

2011-09-19T10:37:00.001-05:00

On Thursday, I was on RyeBread Radio. I had a great time, the results of which can be heard here.

Tonight, I'll be doing comedy at Blatantly Blasphemous Stand Up. It's at The Bar 10 Doors by UIC at 9pm. The free show will have myself, Charlie Lind, Eliot Rahal, Lauren Vino, and Bill Cruz. That's a super funny line-up.

Wednesday from 6-9pm on the ETC stage, I'll be performing as part of Love Lift Them Up Where They Belong. It's $25 because the money goes to help one of The Second City Training Center's instructors, Judy Fabjance, pay for her breast cancer medical expenses and to finish her breast reconstruction. Also performing will be: Andy Eninger, The Tim and Micah Project, John Cates, Gellman and O'Malley, The Playboys (Susan Messing, Rachael Mason, Kate Duffy), GayCo, Schadenfreude, Dan Telfer, and the cast of the ETC.

I Comedied

2011-09-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

Hrm...I wanted the title to be the non-existent past tense verb form of "comedy". Instead, it looks like I'm trying to combine the words comedy and died.I'm keeping it because I did both last night.

I performed as Chucklefck's contribution to the Ingenuity Festival in Cleveland. The performance was a contest of sorts. The best performer out of the group of three comedians at each show would perform in a "best of fest" show on Hilarities on Wednesday.

I did awesome at my performance. It was a set quite similar to this one. However, I was not deemed "best" and comedied from the competition. Which I am totally okay with because 1) I have another awesome show on Wednesday on the ETC stage and 2) I lost to a pair of very funny twins named The Lucas Brothers from NYC:

Look at those guys! They could of just stood there for 10 minutes, and I would have deemed them best of fest. Fun fact: they actually don't intentionally try to dress similar, the twin telepathy makes them do it. I gladly cede best of fest to these dudes. They were great.

Tonight, I'm going to my 15 year high school reunion in Avon Lake. It'll be fun. Hopefully, I'll get some jokes out of it before I bail to head over to see more comedy at the Ingenuity Festival. At the very least, going to my reunion will give me a good measure of how wealthy I could have been had I decided to tamp down my dreams and supplant them with THE AMERICAN DREAM™. I'll be sure to let you know how many houses, cars, babies, and dogs they've amassed.

Cleveland, OH

2011-09-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'll be doing stand-up comedy as part of the Ingenuity Festival in Cleveland, OH this weekend. I'll be appearing on Friday at 11pm. There will be a twitter feed while I perform so you can passively heckle @thebryanchamp while I'm up there. But I would prefer it if you just sent tweeted good vibes and boob pics.

This is going to be a fun festival. It takes place under the Detroit-Superior Bridge. Yes, I'm doing comedy under a bridge. I've finally self actualized myself into a troll. Come see it for yourself.

Also, I have a new web page: www.thebryanchamp.com

Five Farts You Never Knew Existed

2011-08-11T07:33:00.000-05:00

I wrote about what I know over at fart.com: Five Farts You Never Knew Existed

Hot off the Presses!

2011-06-06T17:18:00.000-05:00

Getting Things Done

I'm in two articles this week. That's more than I've been in for the past year. Why the sudden interest in me? I don't know. But I like it!

I was the subject for a piece in the Chicago Reader. It focused on me being a substitute teacher. Here's the article. Take a gander.

It's written in the first person, but I didn't write it. If I had written it, there would have been a page full of jokes, but no actual information. Instead, I was interviewed for about an hour by Anne Ford. Who then took my ramblings, and using her amazing writing skills made me sound WAY more coherent and together than I do in real life.

The second piece is in The Chronicle of Higher Education. Recently, the Second City Training Center sent me to Philadelphia University. There I had an awesome time teaching deans and professors improv games. It was pretty sweet since I spent most of my years as an undergrad doing improv instead of putting my full efforts into my studies.

One thing I wish the article had mentioned (in lieu of my gorgeous hair and "hipster glasses") was the other dude who did a presentation that day. He was this great guy named Barry Matthew Kudrowitz. He's like a mad scientist with a sense of humor. We had some fun nerdy talks about comedy. Barry did a cool presentation about humor and creativity. I would describe it, but it would sound like a kid relaying the plot to Vertigo.

Anyway, go read about me.

Shows!

2011-05-24T12:01:00.000-05:00

I know for a fact that you have not seen me do stand-up in a while so here's your chance. I've got two shows this week. Both will be awesome! Just ask my BFF Abe Lincoln.

Wednesday May 25th I will be doing stand-up as part of Stand Up-Sit Down at Uncommon Ground on Devon. Reserve your seat now by calling 773-817-7540 before it sells out.

Stand Up-Sit Down
@ Uncommon Ground
1401 West Devon Avenue
A new stand up comedy Supper Club series hosted by Jarrad Apperson. Featurng Ever Mainard, Casey Whitaker, Lisa Laureta and Bryan Bowden.
Dinner at 8pm, showcase at 9pm.
$7 cover.
Dinner reservations in our stage room guarantee seating: 773-465-9801

Then on Saturday I'll be interrupting boobies with jokes at the Belmont Burlesque Review.

Belmont Burlesque Review
The Playground Theater
3209 North Halsted Street
Chicago, IL 60657
Show starts at 10pm
Tickets cost $15
To buy tickets, click here.

My Ever Growing Knowledge of Japan

2011-01-08T11:05:00.001-06:00

I've never been to Japan. I don't read or speak Japanese. It is because of the detriments, not in spite of them, that I find Japan to be the awesomest place ever. And I'm okay with that.

If I actually understood Japanese, I would probably not enjoy this commercial for a key chain that mimics the sound and feel of popping bubble wrap:

Awesome! PLUS, I now know that "puchi puchi" is the Japanese sound for bubble wrap being popped.

This same company of mad Japanese geniuses have also made a similar, yet completely dissimilar product. A key chain that mimics the feel and sound of opening a package. Not as oddly relaxing or enjoyable as bubble wrap, but let's give the video a go:

By the way, that was awesome.

Okay. I understand the bubble wrap thing. I like popping bubble wrap. It taps into some odd animal instinct that reaches all the way back into the nether regions of our lizard brain. It probably goes back to eating jelly fish back in the primordial soup days.

I don't understand the allure of the fake package key chain. I like getting gifts, but opening packages is the least fun part of that endeavor. The only person that would enjoy this would be a lonely dude who has an amazingly vivid imagination, "I've got a package" (fake rip from key chain) "It's the cat and salamander that I've always wanted sent from my super model girlfriend."

I am now adding to my Japanese knowledge three things: 1) puchi puchi 2) "By the way" is a Japanese phrase meaning "dancing and crying while wearing a pith helmet" and 3) the Japanese freaking love playing with packing supplies (just like cats).

Yes, I just reduced a whole nation to felines, but, in all fairness, it's a country whose main export is Hello Kitty and cute cat videos.

Get Up Stand up

2010-12-30T17:59:00.000-06:00

I've had the good fortune to teach stand-up comedy at The Second City Training Center for the past couple of years. I've learned a lot about teaching, and about stand up. I tend to forget that comedy is really just playing. Why I forget that, I don't know. It's one of the side effects of adulthood that everything feels like it has to be taken seriously. I mean, for god's sake, we're grown ups. We have to act like it.

No we don't. And it takes weekly reminders from groups of goofy teenagers to set my flawed adult brain right.

My stand-up classes are a lot of fun. Not just for me, but for the students too. Sign ups are happening right now so if you are anyone you know might have some stand-up tendencies, please send them over the Second City Training Center. All classes end with a stand-up showcase which is always a lot of fun.

Adult classes begin Sunday, January 9th and go from 6-9pm for 8 weeks.

15-18 year old classes begin Saturday, January 15th from 2-4pm for 12 weeks

11-12 year old classes begin Sunday, January 16th from noon-1pm for 12 weeks.

13-14 year old classes begin Sunday, January 16th from 1:30-3pm.

I'll also be hosting the Teen Jam and Open Mic every Saturday starting January 15th in the DeMaat theater from 6-7pm. It's free, and open to anyone 18 and under.

New Year's Party

2010-12-29T11:37:00.000-06:00

New Year's Party Done Right

New Year's is one of those few holidays I can really get behind. It's like a cosmic reset button, though most likely we'll all go back to doing the same old shit in a brand new year. But New Year's Eve is filled with hope and optimism and good vibes.

Something I do not enjoy about New Year's Eve would be the ridiculously priced parties. I've been to those $50-$150 parties and never really felt like I got my money's worth from them. The past couple of years I have been performing comedy on New Year's Eve at the affordable Chucklebowl in Lincoln Square. It's pizza, beer, bowling, and comedy to bring in the new year. It's awesome. You should come. You might get to be a contestant on for the comedy gameshow Don't Spit The Water. I promise I won't make that tired old joke about making a resolution not to make any resolutions this year (that's my resolution).

Tron

2010-12-26T20:26:00.001-06:00

Tron,
originally uploaded by bryan champ.

I don't think I even saw the original Tron movie since I was 4 when it came out. But, in 1982, I did have the story book and record. I wanted to be "Tron" for Halloween. My mom was not sure what that was. Hell, I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that I wanted to be one of the glowing blue guys throwing a deadly Frisbee, riding a motorcycle made of light, etc.

Fortunately, my mom was up for the challenge, and created this costume. I think what helped spurn it along was when I found the reflective blue mask that is on my head. The suit is a lot of reflective cloth sewn on a blue vest with "Tron" written out for clarification purposes. My mom sewed this thing from nothing more than me saying "Tron." I still find that pretty impressive.

Despite having the name of who I was trying to be in reflective tape encircled on my chest, I was still asked, "who are you supposed to be?" After answering, I would get a polite, "Oh...um...okay." I didn't care. I was "Tron" and it was awesome.

Get Some Comedy, Give Some to Charity

2010-12-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'll be doing some stand-up comedy to raise money for Changing Worlds. Changing worlds uses art to help students gain cross-cultural understandings. Sounds like a pretty good cause. If you can't come tonight (or $20 is too rich for your blood), then consider visiting their site and donating what you can.

Hopefully, I'll see you at Gorilla Tango Theater, 1919 N. Milwaukee, tonight at 8pm.

If I don't then I'll assume you're being a hoodlum, and throwing snowballs at coppers.

The Unauthorized Biography of Bryan Champ Bowden in 3 photos

2010-11-29T19:14:00.000-06:00

I) Beginning

II) Middle

III) End

The Monkey Is A Frankenstein

2010-11-25T16:38:00.000-06:00

This is a story I had some early elementary aged English language learning students write using the one word story game.

A monkey ate a banana, but the banana turned into Frankenstein. Monkey walked to a cage. Monkey drove a truck and crashed. He attacked Frankenstein two times. Frankenstein turned and blowed up.

Not bad. Michael Bay has already optioned it for his next film.

(photo of a Kriegaffe from ElDave)

The Most Perfect Music Video

2010-10-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

My dreams to create the most perfect music video have been crushed by this video (which is NSFW because your work hates boobies):

EL GUINCHO | Bombay from MGdM | Marc Gómez del Moral on Vimeo.

What makes this the most perfect music video? Let me count the ways.

First, it opens with an homage to Carl Sagan's Cosmos followed by a cassette tape being flung by a skeet shooting trap (which is the only thing a cassette tape can do anymore). Great opening, a fun song, and all that's left to make a music video perfect are fast changing, intriguing colorful images...and pretty ladies (nekkid if you got 'em).

Some might hate the chaotic salmagundi of blathering monkeyshines in this video. That's okay I know Lady Gaga is currently the only socially acceptable form of wackadoo. I just feel more familiarity to the discordant images in this video because, in my brain, I'm a 15 year old boy. This video is like a belt buckle/bottle opener with naked ladies in the shape of a skull that I would wear to shock my parents, but then i get mad because they don't even notice.

Point is, I love this video, and I need to let my inner petulant man-child out to see what he can create. I can always ground him later. Especially, if I catch him wearing this belt buckle:

Trumpet: It Makes a Better Prop than an Instrument

2010-10-11T12:01:00.001-05:00

[Portrait of Buddy Morrow, New York, N.Y., ca. Sept. 1946] (LOC),
originally uploaded by The Library of Congress.

You Ever Notice

2010-10-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get back into writing more. And by writing more I mean way more. I want to build up my writing endurance to the point that I write like a monk on a mountain for days on end. Currently, I've just found more ways to distract myself. The newest being taking pictures with my phone and posting them online.

I have a new phone. A magic phone. Okay, it's just a mytouch slide, but it feels magic-y to me. For instance, I needed my calender with me at all times, and I also needed that calender to yell at me when I had something to do in 3 hours. Now, abracadabra!, I have my yelling calender in my pocket at all times. The best thing is that because of this new technology, I can take a pic and upload it to twitter, facebook, flickr, et al real easily.

Now we can share an immature appreciation of this sign, SHAZAM!:

Giggle.

I can also share the amazing hobbies of 7 year olds:

That girl is either a natural born BBQ-er or a wolf.

I was also taken aback by this statue dedicated to the German writer Goethe:

If you've never read Goethe, just imagine reading a young, naked falconer BUT in German. It's the same thing...oh...and also more boring. However, as a "Master Mind" this statue could not be more exact. This guy could totally be a super villain: he's muscular, has a familiar, and is German. If you want to see this statue for reals, then head over to the northwest corner of Lincoln Park near Diversey and Stockton.

I'm also playing a flickr game involving noticing stuff, and taking a picture of it with your cell phone called noticings. I think I might be the only person in Chicago playing it right now since most of the pictures seem to be from England. Which means I'm champion noticer for Chicago.

How's that make me feel? Like a swole up bird trainer who just ate a stack of ribs.

CALLBACKS! It's what's for dinner. I'm going to go write for real now.

Buried Treasure

2010-07-25T12:39:00.000-05:00

I'm cleaning and packing to move this Saturday. I've been throwing away a lots of old teaching stuff that I know I'll never use again. Kind of sad, but I also found this amazing review of the movie Little Man written by a 5th grader and it made me laugh:

Yesterday I saw little man. It was funny and I liked the part when the "baby" goes to "bed" with the "mom." The movie was too short though.

That review makes me want to see that movie even less than my previous indifference to it.

Me in 9th grade

2010-05-11T09:47:00.001-05:00

Me in 9th grade,
originally uploaded by bryan champ.

Someone who went to school with me back in junior high posted this on Facebook. I have hair that can be described as either Republican or the jock antagonist from an 80s movie.

Unintentional Poem

2010-04-25T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm digging through some old files and I found a word doc from February of 2007. The word doc was supposed to be a brainstorm page for some other project. However, as I look over it, there's an odd irrational poetry to it. So I'm sharing:

I am more literate than you.

I’m more literate than you.

I’m more literate than you…

I’m more litarate then you…

I’d more literat then you

You're raining on my parade is a pathetic fallacy

You’re sending my ellipsis into aposiopesis…

When I find out what aposiopesis is, I’ll…

Somebody tell me what aposiopesis is or I’ll…

Let’s interrobang!?

Earth Day

2010-04-22T08:15:00.000-05:00

Today is Earth Day. You had no idea, and you're going to go about the day like you usually do. I recycle, and ride my bike so high five to myself. But now my body is becoming really sensitive to any soaps, shampoos, etc that are not natural. If I had the choice, I'd buy cheap stuff. My body has decided that it would rather break out into a rash.

Stupid hippie body.

So if you want to be like me and buy more "green" products, click here and check them out. While you're spending money, you might as well buy some mildly relevant other products as well.

Found Objects From My Own Room

2010-04-20T20:02:00.000-05:00

I suck at cleaning. I also keep things for a longs time. I'm thoroughly cleaning my room bit by bit, and finding stuff I did not know and/or remember that I had. I found a bunch of quotes that I kept for some reason, and I'll be presenting them with pictures of some of my room finds.

Not one but two fake tattoo sleeves.

"One should lift oneself up by one's own efforts and should not degrade oneself; for one's own self is one's own friend and one's own self is one's own enemy." - Bhagavadgita, Chapter VI Section 5

Poster of places to karate strike someone.

"I beg to urge you everyone:

Life and death is a grave matter;

all things pass quickly away.

Each of you must be completely alert;

never neglectful,

never indulgent." - called out from outside some dojo during the ceremony at the end of each day of sesshin

A fancy pin-up style poster of a pretty lady (hubba-hubba).

"Completely freed from yes and no:

great emptiness charged within;

no questions, no answers;

like a fish, like a fool." - "Verse of the Han" (incised on the han at Koko An)

Binder filled with poems, stories, a play, and stand-up jokes I wrote a decade ago

I also found a page of James Joyce quotes. Ten years ago I was really into James Joyce. It was all a ruse to try and look smart and literate. Here are some of them.

"Welcome, O Life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race." - A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man

"One by one they were becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age." - Dubliners, "The Dead"

"Come forth Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job." - Ulysses

"Coffined thoughts around me, in mummycases, embalmed in spice words. Thoth, god of libraries, a birdgod, moonycrowned. And I heard the voice of that Egyptian highpriest. In painted chambers loaded with tilebooks.
They are still. Once quick in the brains of men. Still: but an itch of death is in them, to tell me in my ear a maudlin tale, urge me to wreak their will." - Ulysses

Maybe, I'll get bold one day and put up some old poems and jokes and such. But probably I won't.

We Got Movie Sign!

2010-04-15T10:36:00.000-05:00

AHHHHHHH! I love cheesy movies (the worst we can find...la la la).

I blame this on two things. The first is USA Up All Night. During my teenage years, I had trouble going to bed at a reasonable time. I still do. Up All Night would play horrible movies. I would watch them hoping to catch a furtive glance of side boob. Most of these movies were some sexploitation variation but heavily edited. My favorite edit was during a sex scene the editor zoomed to the ladies right shoulder, and stayed on that the whole time. The editor could have just cut the sex scene. No, he felt it was so integral to the plot that we must see a blurry shoulder moving up and down to sexy synthesizer music. All of the movies had pretty women, peril, bad actors, and terrible writing. A recipe for good times.

The second thing is MST3K. You should have seen some Mystery Science Theater 3000 in your life. If you have not then go do that now.

I think inundating my brain with terrible movies has actually made me a better writer. It's sometimes easier to watch a bad movie do something wrong, and then critically think of a practical way to improve on it. Or take some tips on how to Make Your Own Damn Movie! as Troma Films founder Lloyd Kaufman's book attests (sample tip: "Get your wimmen nekid...one way to save money . . . is in the costume department").

Hulu has become my source for horrible movie watching. Last night I watched the Troma film Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell. Great title! It's a shame the movie totally does not deserve it. But watch the first three minutes of the film because it's the best trailer ever made for a horrible movie. The rest of the movie is a lot of how not to direct a film. The film starts with a voice over introduction filled with unnecessary exposition about the environment. It's a movie, we have eyes, and will accept any reality you give us. There are lots of shots from a distance when it would have been better to move closer to build tension and hide the crappy stunt fighting. Also, the viewer never understands from which character's perspective we should be watching these events. More naked ladies would have been a fine substitute for any of those things considering the genre of the film. I watched a lot but not all of it, and I have yet to see a naked lady.

Next terrible movie on my list: 2003's Cheerleader Ninjas. Not to be confused with 2007's Ninja Cheerleaders

New Hot Comedy Video Action!

2010-04-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

I've been a lazy blogger. But I've been a busy video maker with the help of Elizabeth McQuern. The following video did not get done in time for the 7 Day Shorts show at Second City. The cool thing about doing vids for this show is that it's not a big deal if a video does not get made in time or at all. There's always next week, and we still got a cool video to show off. Getting a project done in a week while doing the thousand other things we got going on is a pretty spectacular feat. So this is the video made off of the suggestion "having sex again." Let's watch:

I was not there for the suggestion so I have no idea how it was prompted, but I am guessing it was an audience member trying to be funny. I hate these suggestions. So I brainstormed all the ways to make sex not sexy. I was already thinking about how alcohol free beer is stupid. It's taking the best part of beer and leaving only a weird tasting soda. I followed this thought by yes anding it till I got to sexless porn which made me laugh. This idea was the one that would be easiest to shoot and most interesting.

Usually, I write a script, but it would be very tough to write the kind of stilted hokey dialogue that goes with porn. I wrote the intro and a list of office activities. The rest was just Kristen Studard knocking it out of the park and fully committing to the bit. The only thing I did was try not break and I failed. You can hear my Jimmy Fallon-esque trembling pre-titters during the "I like how you play with those" line.

Elizabeth then did an amazing job of edited our craziness into 2 minutes and added the soundtrack. Some bits that did not make the final cut: me fisting an envelope, Kristen talking into the camera over her shoulder (I love how she keeps looking at the camera while I'm talking to her in the vid), and Kristen opening a window while making loud sex noises. Seriously, I owe a huge thanks to these two talented ladies.

I did not make a video for tonight's 7 Day Shorts based off of the suggestion of "hairball" because I had to harshly judge talented comedians at the Impress These Apes auditions. I will be doing improv tonight at 10:30 at the DeMaat Theater (1616 N. Wells) so stop by and watch me do witty, physical scene work that lacks emotional grounding.

I need to buy a video camera

2010-03-31T19:22:00.000-05:00

So far I've written two sketches for the 7 Day Shorts Program that I could not shoot because I lack a camera. Well, one I wouldn't have been able to shoot because my DVD drive stopped working so I could not have burned it. So I'm making the scripts available under creative commons. I want people to read them, and, if they want, make them happen.

Here is the script that I wrote with the suggestion of "Haiti speaking". Weird suggestion, but I took the route of making it the name of a stupid drug dealers new weed strain. He gets visited by the ghost of Du Sable, and I pretty much wrote this because I loved the last line of the piece so much. I call this one "Ghost Weed."

Last week, the suggestion was "Mid-life Crisis". So I wrote a short about a turkey having a midlife crisis. I wrote it after finding out that domestic turkeys only live for 2 years. After that, they get too heavy to hold up their own weight with their legs. I call this one "Turkey Walks Into A Bar" and here is the complete script. Here is my favorite part which is the Turkey's monologue:

TOM TURKEY

My divorce was finalized. 

What the hell have I been doing with my life? Scraping and scratching the ground, eat some grubs, eat some gravel, sleeping, wake up, scratch the ground, eat a cricket eat a little gravel. Every day.  Every day.  And for what? I sometimes wonder who benefits. I don't see a dime, but I work, every day I scratch and scrape, I get by. I get by.

The kids (laughs) they’re not even kids anymore.  My son is one and never calls or visits, got one of those posh free range jobs.  His mom and I have been working on a factory farm all our lives, and our parents, far back, long tradition, but that wasn’t good enough for him.  The wife spoiled him too much and my daughter…laying eggs at three months old.  But we still love her and she’s doing good now with her little family on the other side of the shed.

Hey! I'm trying to get back on the dating scene. I just don't get what hens want. I gobble and strut, fanning out my tail feathers. Then gobble, grunt, and strut about shaking my feathers. Started taking these pills for tail enhancement.  Nothing. I've lost it. If I even had "it".

BETTY CROCKER

Hey Tom!

TOM

Yeah, Betty.

BETTY CROCKER

I'm going to eat you!

The smattering of bar patrons laughs.

TOM

(shrugs)

She will too.  Just a matter of time.  (yells) Go bake your tits, Betty Crocker. 

Goddammit...Hey!  At least I still have a job.  At least I still have a job.

This week the suggestion is "having sex again." Let's see if I can work with this one and not go for the obvious.

Friday Comedy Word Jumble

2010-03-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

Last year, it seemed like lots of Chicago comedians were releasing DVDs. To me, that seemed like a lot of work for very little pay off. This year, lots of Chicago comedians are releasing comedy albums which makes more sense to me. Following the curve of this trend, next year Chicago comedians will probably be releasing vaudeville shows. Rimshot.

Here are some comedy things I like that you should check out:

-Cameron Esposito has a comedy album out called Grab Them Aghast which is quite funny. When I watch comedians, I always think about something they do that I wish I could do when I perform. Watching Cameron, I wish I had her magic power to casually charm an audience. Her shows go from mic, light, stage, stool to just hanging out at a party she invited you to because you are her best friend.

Her comedy contains funny stories that go from personal to absurd with very creative twists and turns along the way. Click here and buy her album,Grab Them Aghast, on Amazon. You'll love it!

-The Visitor's Locker room is a sports comedy show hosted by two very funny Chicago comedians C.J. Sullivan and Sean Flannery. I'm really a very casual sports fan. I've always enjoyed playing sports, but I have a hard time getting really into the ups and downs of a group of men with more money and better bodies then I'll ever have. This is why I love their sports show. Unlike sports channels and sports radio, these two deliver sports news with the seriousness deserving of grown ass men playing children's games.

These guys pulled together their best bits and created a great Visitor's Locker Room album called Sports Combat Comedy. Not all these bits are sports related like the epic Pat Brice story about a billion pennies, but even the sports themed ones (like "Thunder and Lightening" where children pick who will win the weekend's games) floored me. Click here and buy their album Sports Combat Comedy.

- Mike Stanley works his comedian ass off. Go check him out live. If you can't, then go check him out in this documentary about him called Salty Language, Peppered Morals. Oh wait! You can see him live AND see the documentary for FREE Wednesday March 31st, 8pm at The Lakeshore Theater (3175 N. Broadway).

- Some very talented high school students who I have taught in my Second City Training Center stand-up class are featured in today's Sun-Times. Both Chaz Allen and Lou Engleman are super funny, very talented, and hard working. Did I mention that none of them are old enough to drive? I hope they remember their old teacher and give me a pool boy job when they make their entertainment millions.

Clicky click

2010-03-23T11:34:00.000-05:00

Second City's 7 Day Shorts Channel has just posted my invention video. Go give it some stars and comments:

They also had to take down an repost the nuclear test video. So it went from 600 views with 4 1/2 stars and nice comments to 100 views with 3 stars and two meh comments. So go give it some more love:

I didn't get any videos done this week because of a whole bunch of things falling apart (sickness, busyness, and computer failure). Hopefully, I'll get one worked on this weekend. And hopefully, I won't re-post it a million million times like these two.

KA-BLAM!!!

2010-03-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote and produced this video for the 7 Day Shorts program, and they put it up on their youtube channel:

The suggestion was "Fallout". Elizabeth McQuern did a great job of directing and editing the thing, as well as some fun performances by Keith Ecker, John Bohan, and Chad Briggs. So go over and give it lots of stars and some nice comments.

Now I'm trying to finish up something based off the odd suggestion of "Haiti speaking". My video might not get done, but you should still stop by the DeMaat Theater (1616 N. Wells) at 10:30pm and check out what others created as well as the stellar improv done by the Second City training center faculty.

I Made a Comedy Video (in a week)

2010-03-10T13:22:00.001-06:00

I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I had been performing improv with the Second City Training Center faculty as part of the 7-Day Shorts project at the DeMaat Theater. I appreciate all the people who expressed interest in working on video shorts with me, and I still have all of you in mind for future videos. Also, I encourage all graduates, and alumni of The Second City Training Center to work on a video based off of this week's suggestion of "Fallout". We have until 6pm on Monday to get a video done so get to it!

Also, here is my first 7-Day Shorts video based off of last week's suggestion of "engine". I had another idea that I wanted to shoot but because that idea involved two locations and a child, it would be impossible to shoot in a week. So I went with the easier to shoot idea. Take a look:

I think it turned out pretty good thanks to the magic camera and editing work of Elizabeth McQuern. Also, Chelsea Devantez added the tag "this is better than voting" which is way funnier than my original tag. Plus, both of these ladies where cool with using their amazing talent on an elaborate dildo joke. So big ups to them talented ladies. I'm also proud that this is the first Chicago created video for 7-day Shorts (which has been going on in LA and Toronto) that went for a style or a thematic element other than: INT. APARTMENT - PRESENT DAY. I think that's a nice reflection of the creativity and ambition put into this goofy video.

It's cool to have created this in a week. I've been a real wimp about committing myself to writing and shooting comedy videos. Even now all my monstrous insecurities are raging in my head. However, with only a week to make something, I am forced to ignore those, go forward, and commit fully to an idea. It feels good. I also learned stuff for (hopefully) this week's video making endeavor. I also learned that I HAVE to watch the audience response to my video or I will be too in my head to do improv.

I would appreciate any constructive criticism on this video. So far all I've heard is that it's "stupid" which I already know. I love stupid, and dove head first into this loverly batch of stupid.

Now to work on my "fallout" video.

Two auditions for you

2010-03-05T19:37:00.004-06:00

First, Impress These Apes is signing people up to audition for this season's show at Comedy Sportz. It's an 8 week comedy competition judged by hyper intelligent apes from the future. I'm Bushmeat, the one in the middle over there. You should audition. It's a great chance to be forced to crank out weekly creativity and a chance to win cold hard cash. Here's the details:

Auditions for Impress These Apes will be held on Sunday, April 11th, throughout the day. Potential contestants will be given 2-minutes to perform the talent of their choice. The top 16 auditioners will be invited to a special callback audition at the ComedySportz Theatre on the evening of Monday, May 3rd.

To register for your audition slot, please send a resume and headshot to info@blewt.com.

Second, Spike TV is casting funny dudes for a new late night talk show. Yup. This one's just for the blokes. Here's the details on that:

CASTING - COMEDIANS FOR NEW LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW

AFTRA Pilot

Shoot/Start Date: April 2010

Location: Los Angeles

Exec Producer: Thom Beer (Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers), Phil Segal

[COMEDIAN/HOST] Males only, 20s-30s, inherent comedic talent, unknowns okay. No one slick, polished, or host-y. Think: Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen, Jack Black, Ricky Gervais, Bill Murray, Jonah Hill, Andy Samberg. We are looking for a guy's guy who is into video games, the Internet, beer and his friends. This is a dude who gets laid because some chick digs his "quirky personality" - not because he is hot, and not because he has great pick up lines. Because he doesn't. We want a guy with a real story who's done interesting things like Kimmel before his career. This is a guy who is unassuming, jolly when drunk (not violent), and who you'd feel comfortable hugging when you see him. No one slick, polished, host-y. No one who goes to the gym or tanning bed.

OPEN CALLS - CHICAGO

iO Theater

3541 North Clark Street, Chicago, IL, 60657

Monday MARCH 22nd AND

Tuesday March 23rd

10am-4pm

***Come prepared with a 30 second bit and your best improv skills.

*** If selected, you must be available for a callback either Thursday 3/18 or Friday 3/19 in NYC or Wednesday 3/24 or Thursday 3/25 at iO theatre Chicago

There you go. Now, get out there and ride that shooting star.

Video Proof of My Literariness

2010-03-01T12:56:00.002-06:00

I read a humorous essay at Essay Fiesta back in January about riding my bike all year round. At seven minutes, it is long for a youtube video, but I think it is worth it. Check it out:

Calling all talented friends

2010-02-28T12:23:00.004-06:00

I've been performing improv with the Second City Training Center faculty on Tuesday nights at 10:30 at the DeMaat Theater. This is part of the 7-Day Shorts Project. Basically, the show opens with short 2 minute films made the week before, then, after the videos, the improvisers get a suggestion from the audience and do some make 'em ups. The suggestion for the improv set gets used by Second City students and such to make videos that will be made in a week and shown at the next Tuesday's 7-Day Shorts as a 2 minute video. The houses have been packing the DeMaat Theater and the shows have been a lot of fun.

I've written two of these two minute shorts and I've been unable to shoot them because I do not have a camera, or the ability to amass talent quickly. Also, I work on weekends when most people would be available to shoot.

So that is where all ya'll talented Chicago folk come in. I'll be doing this 7 day short thing for the next six weeks. I want to turn my funny writings into short videos to be shown at this show. So if you are interested/ available then send me a message and let me know the following:

-What days and times in the next 6 weeks are you typically available?

-Do you have a video camera to use?

-Would you be interested in directing, shooting, acting, or all three of those things a short that I write?

-What is the best/quickest way to get hold of you?

I'll pull this into my database and probably try to assemble folks Thursday or Friday. I think it will be a fun way to make some quick goofy online content and have it shown to a pretty substantial audience.

Let's make some funny ya'll!

Something Writing, Something Funny, and Something About Funny Writing

2010-02-24T10:13:00.003-06:00

-I wanted to do the Moth last night and then do some improv. My body decided to vomit and poop instead. Now I have a story that I was going to use for the theme "love hurts" just sitting on my computer. I think later I might take a go at recording it and possibly posting it.

-Remember last week, when I invented famous Bowdens of the past? Chasing real Bowdens down the wikipedia rabbit hole, I found Brent Fraser "Billy" Bowden who is an international cricket umpire from New Zealand. He used to play but had to start umping after rheumatoid arthritis ended his cricket career. The disease causes him to signal an out batsman with a crooked finger instead of a straight one. Then wikipedia lays this on me, "The similarity of Bowden's "crooked finger" to the position of smoking has led to "Bowden" becoming slang for a large cannabis cigarette in cricketing parts of the UK. Raising the crooked finger is invitation to the act." Two surprises: 1)my last name is synonymous with a fatty joint and 2) cricket players and fans smoke weed. The game makes a lot more sense now.

-In my sickness yesterday, I watched the interviews of The Daily Show staff on hulu (I know, I mention hulu so much they should send me money). It's interesting comedy nerd out stuff. John Oliver said this when asked how to build the skills to become a writer for The Daily Show, "Stand-up, even if you don't intend to do it long term, is a very good practice for just honing down, you know, exactly what's funny. You get an instant response off it. So, for me, I would personally advise you to do stand-up."

I've also heard stand-up mentioned by head writers of sitcoms as great writer training. The interview is chopped up which is annoying, but here is the part about how to write for the Daily Show:

How I Teach, Anime Style!

2010-02-23T10:25:00.002-06:00

Hulu has all the episodes of the anime series Samurai Champloo. I started watching it because it was created and directed by Shinichiro Watanabe who created and directed one of my favorite anime Cowboy Bebop. Samurai Champloo is no Cowboy Beebop, but it's still fun. Just like Beebop combined noir, jazz, and space bounty hunters as established in the opening credits:

Samurai Champloo combines samurais, and hip-hop culture set in Edo period Japan:

I guess you don't really need all that info for what I really wanted to show you, but I'm a teacher and can't help but teach.

I recently watched episode 18 (War of the Words) of Samurai Champloo, and found that my teaching style is similar to the style of the teacher in this episode. Take note on the teacher's stellar pedagogical methodology when instructing this illiterate ronin:

Bowdens of the Past

2010-02-18T13:37:00.005-06:00

First, if you are around tonight, I'll be doing some free stand-up at the Lakeshore Theater between 9 and 9:30. Should be fun, and if it isn't then drink some $2 PBRs till it gets fun.

Now let's talk about Bowdens of the past. Check out this gentleman:

This here is Leonard Clarence Bowden III. Here he is a young man, who clearly has a great future ahead of him. He was known in the 1920s as "the daguerreotype's dandy" for his ability to sit beautifully still for hours while the image processed. This preternatural sitting ability was so great that one forgetful photographer, John James Johnames, left Leonard to sit for a fortnight. Fearing his copper plates ruined or even stolen, Mr. Johnames rushed back to find Leonard still motionless thus creating the above masterpiece. This daguerreotype sitting record has yet to be met though a young actress named Claire Westerwood came close till she was disqualified for being Irish.

When asked what he was thinking during the two week sitting, Leonard simply said, "Rock candy, whiskey, and Clara Bow." He quickly left and spent his entire siting fee on all of those things in less then 48 minutes.

Unfortunately his modeling career came to a screeching halt after falling in league with some Germans. All of his hard earned modeling credit fell away as his life spiraled out of control. Leonard became addicted to beer and mustaches, and joined a group of men who wondered the woods searching for enlightenment through fancy pipes and yodeling. This is the last known picture of Leonard who despite falling under the kaisers sway still held the delicate reclining repose of the dandy:

Comedy

2010-02-16T11:35:00.002-06:00

I posted two stand-up clips.

Classes I failed in college:

My job versus my brother's job:

I also created a calendar with my shows in case you wanted to see me being funny into a microphone:

There are a couple of cool things coming up. Every Tuesday at 10:30pm I'll be doing improv with the Second City Training Center faculty as part of the 7 Day Shorts Project. The audience can take the suggestion given for the improv set and make a 2 minute video short that may be shown at the following week's show.

Also, on Thursday, I'll be at The Lakeshore Theater as part of the open mic thing they are doing, and as part of the "taking myself more seriously as a comedian" think I'm doing. Most likely nothing will come from it, but you can see me explode like a grenade for 5 minutes between 9 and 9:30. That should be fun for some.

2010 is the year I sell out

2010-02-12T21:12:00.006-06:00

I need to make more money (sure we all do). Which is why I'm working as hard as I can to Sell Out this year. I'm pulling together my stuff for job fairs. I hate them. I hate looking for jobs. It's like dating but with zero chances of getting a tug job. I also make it difficult on myself because, as a comedian, my internet presence is not all innocence and puppy dogs which are requirements for being a teacher. My mom is especially worried that some principal or parent might google me and find that I'm a *gasp* comedian or worry about my connection to this guy. Actually, (and I worry about this too) they might see a video where I use adult language (or just act like a weirdo) and worry about my teaching abilities.

I sort of understand wanting your kid to learn from this studious guy who socializes in book stores:

(photo from theeErin)

Instead of this guy:

Since I feel that I will never get a real job, I have added links to amazon.com products. If you click the link and buy the product then I get money. Now you can help me by purchasing that Schampa Lightweight Skull Facemask Black One Size Fits All OSFA you've always wanted.
That wasn't awkward at all. Felt like we were having a conversation and I just happened to mention how you could use that extra couple hundred bucks to get a fancy new Kindle Wireless Reading Device.

I also got an e-mail from a company that makes tax preparation software. They wanted to use my blog for some advertising purpose or another. You know, because I'm always talking about taxes and preparing them. Also, I'm the most inconsistent blogger in the world. I'm not smart enough to pitch tax stuff. Remember, I'm the guy who's knowledge and practice of theater consists of putting on masks and cracking one liners. Do you really want this guy doing your taxes?

Didn't think so. But I think I will be using my comedy expertise to review comedy albums, and point out comedy books someone might purchase. Or I'll get a job at that teaching job fair next week. Besides it's not like there's some old pic of me next to two gingers and a pony keg wrapped in porn...what's that?...that picture does exist. Well looks like I'll be begging for donations in lieu of a real job. Can I accept food donations through paypal?

Dentists, I hate you

2010-01-29T10:44:00.003-06:00

I hate dentists. Partly because they push and pull and scrape and poke my mouth till it bleeds. Mostly, though, for two other very distinct reasons:

Dentists are used car salesmen
Dental offices treat tooth care like a religion

What do I mean dentists are used car salesmen? The term used car salesman is shorthand in my family for a smarmy salesperson. Every time I go to the dentist, he tells me that my teeth are ugly and I need veneers or whitening or a molar boob job.

My teeth are far from perfect. I have a gap in the front teeth, and they are unevenly spaced because my upper adult canines did not grow in (disappointing proof that I'm not a werewolf) and I once caught a line drive with my face. I've got a bridge and a crown and the only person who notices and/or insults my teeth are dentists.

Dentist: "You know we have options for improving your smile."
Me: "The only option I want to hear about is you doing your job and shutting the fuck up."

I distrust dentists so much that when I went to one in June and he told me I had two small cavities, I did not believe him. Probably, because they were trying to convince me to get some $800 periodontal work done and that I should pay extra for white filling instead of the insurance covered metal filling. Now the cavity I thought was a lie is asserting itself empirically into the nerve of the tooth.

Which brings me to number two, dentist need to lighten up. I called to get the cavity fixed, and the guy at reception was sort of flabbergasted that I had not been back for months. He tried again to convince me to pay extra for pretty white fillings. I said no. He then treated me in a way that could only be described as unclean or outside of the holy laws of dentistry. To the dental offices horror, I am perfectly happy with imperfect teeth and am, therefore, an abomination.

Look, I get it. Teeth are an indication of social economic status. Right now my SES is about as low as my inflamed gum line. However, I don't care. If someone wants to judge me because they see a glint of metal fillings in my back molar then they love teeth too much. There are actual human beings attached to these calcified tissues, but if you love dentistry more than people, well, I have two fists that could help arrange a visit. POW POW!

I just need my teeth to function. My dream of having a glamorous career in mouth modeling passed from my being long ago. Dentists, just fix my barbarous face hole and let me be on my way.

photo from:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ariannemccarthy/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

The Secret to my SEO Success

2010-01-27T08:12:00.004-06:00

I'm on twitter. Lots of folks add me who claim they will optimize my SEO. Turns out that means "search engine optimization." And they have "webinars" to show me how!!!

I don't need that. Here's what you do: type something scandalous about a celebrity and then post a pic. In my case, this pic of Amy Poehler nude always does the trick:

BOOM! I'll have a million hits by sunset!

Best drawing I've ever done!

Parks and Recreation, indeed. *eyebrow wiggle*

The Cuckoo Sub

2010-01-25T15:34:00.002-06:00

There is one school that regularly calls me to sub. The teachers and students like me. The administration likes me because I am reliable and don't reek of whiskey, pall malls, and cough syrup. Teachers at this school actually request me for their classroom because I do good work and the students like me.

There is another sub that is often called into this school. After the winter break, I saw him in the halls and realized that he has grown a beard and is now wearing glasses. No big deal. Till one week the third grade teacher told me she wanted me to sub for her class that week, AND the class was going on a field trip so it will be an easy day for me. I was like, "right on. Tell the office so they'll give me the gig." The day comes and instead of getting the field trip sub gig, I ended up subbing for the art teacher. The sub that got the field trip gig was the guy who grew a beard and started wearing glasses.

Now, I might be a touch paranoid. But teachers do not always take time to learn subs names. So they might just say, "can I get the sub with the beard and the glasses." Also, I let the students call me Mr. B since I get tired of hearing them mangle the name Bowden as if it is composed of two foreign phonemes that crashed to earth on a meteorite from a far flung galaxy. This other dude has been trying really hard lately to get the kids to call him Mr. B.

I feel that he is a sub cuckoo.

The cuckoo is what's called a brood parasite. It lays its eggs in another bird's nest. The cuckoo bird hatches first, pushes all the other eggs out of the nest, and then the mother bird raises the cuckoo as its own. Scientist have proven that cuckoos developed this survival strategy after reading many V.C. Andrews novels.

Jobs for teachers in Chicago are so competitive that Chicago public schools is not even having a job fair in January like they usually do. This competition is spilling over to the sub jobs. It does not seem like a huge leap that some other sub would try to mimic a popular sub in an attempt to gain more jobs through confusion.

I know that technically this is kleptoparasitism since he is using mimicry to take the human equivalent of prey from me. But "the jackal sub" is way to harsh for something that is most likely my own kooky thought projections. I won't be officially worried until he starts doing stand-up or dating my girlfriend.

Jokes

2010-01-22T21:06:00.003-06:00

I wrote some topical jokes for the iphone's ilarious app that I'm pretty sure got rejected. I won't be telling any of these at the Gallery Cabaret Saturday at 7pm. Instead, I will work on that whole "being funny" part of doing stand-up. You should come by and see how that works out.

Former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, confirmed that he had a child with his former mistress. Edwards stressed that he still believes there are two Americas with his heart in one and his schlong in the other.

Starbucks posted huge profits, which proves that the unemployed actually are using your spare change to buy coffee.

The Obama family donated 15 thousand dollars toward helping the Haitian earthquake victims. The money was immediately distributed as bonuses for the aftershocks.

In a recent survey, college freshman called being well off “very important.” However, they also call beer and cigarettes “breakfast.”

The Supreme Court overturned a ban on political spending by corporations in candidate elections. This verdict was brought to you by the Supreme Court’s good friends at Exxon Mobil.

God dammit!

2010-01-21T19:37:00.002-06:00

First off, please donate what you can to help Haiti. Now on with the rant:

What is it about America that makes entire groups of Christians so bat shit insane? I'm talking about this headline:

U.S. group sends solar-powered Bibles to Haiti

I bet this same group sent ice bibles to Eskimos. Solar power bible? Like, what, you can't read it in the dark? Nope more like: "These are solar-powered audible Bibles that can broadcast the holy scriptures in Haitian Creole to 300 people at a time."

Yup, an American faith-based group is sending robots to lecture to the sick, the poor, the starving, the dying.

I'm not a Christian. Yet, despite the fact that I do not go to church every Sunday, and devote time out of my life to study the bible, I can still open the thing up and find Proverbs 22:9, "A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his FOOD with the poor."

Is it possible for crazy groups of well meaning people to be faithful AND practical. Treat your neighbor like yourself. Think to yourself, "if I had just survived a devastating natural disaster what would I want? I would probably put my bible study on the back burner while I try to survive and help others survive. Sure hope god understands."

What in the bible would you read and think, "ah ha! Hearing bible verses is more important than food, shelter, and the clean water I take for granted every day."

I guess if Jesus had said, "'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you HAD ROBOTS SHOUT THE BIBLE AT ME, I was thirsty and you gave me A DIGITIZED RECORDING OF 2000 YEAR OLD WORDS, I was a stranger and you SENT OUT A SELF CONGRATULATORY PRESS RELEASE, etc." I would understand.

But he didn't so I don't. These are the same groups that hate homosexuals because Jesus was famous for turning water into hater-aid. Or is it old testament god we want? Here's why he destroyed Sodom (the butt fuck city), Ezekiel 16:49, "Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."

That doesn't sound gay as much as it sounds like a group of clueless Americans shipping a preachy Teddy Ruxpin to people who need way way more important things.

3rd Grader's Notes

2010-01-16T12:00:00.002-06:00

I read part of the young adult novel Sahara Special by Esme Raji Codell
to a class of third graders. After the students left for the day, I found notes taken by one of the students during the reading. The notes are a genius poetic summation of the first chapter:

Zoe
Chicago
To learn
Divorced
Because Daddy's gone
No
Yes sad
They shouldn't be in the
same place
She doesn't have to be with
Peaches

Possibly the best Christmas song ever

2009-12-10T08:36:00.003-06:00

Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a Christmas album. Since I hate Christmas songs (I hate any song I hear more then 5 million times), it's pretty rare that I find any that I like. However this duet with Meatwad and Neko Case singing "Santa Left A Booger In My Stocking" wins on so many levels.

Hopefully this will be a nice reprieve from hours of listening to Mannheim Steamroller:

Why Being Broke Sucks

2009-11-24T10:35:00.004-06:00

Because I don't have $80 to spend on Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Complete Seasons 1-6

I know. You thought I was going to say because I worry about rent, food, and all the mean phone calls from people wanting me to pay medical bills. Nope. My priorities are askew.

Even without cable to bombard me with commercials, I've developed the seasonal reaction to CONSUME! Though I am happy the internet allows me to see the new Target commercials from the amazing Maria Bamford:

There's a bunch. You can watch them here. Also, I'd recommend watching all of the Bammer's internet show. Here's episode one to get you started:

I'd also recommend her comedy album Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome.

Jokes and Jokes and Jokes

2009-11-21T12:24:00.002-06:00

I've started writing topical jokes for the "This Just In" iLarious iPhone app. So if you have an iPhone you can down load the app and have current event jokes written by me and Dan Telfer and other folks who are more famous than us sent to your iPhone every day. You can download it by clicking here.

However, not all my jokes are accepted by the editors of "This Just In." So I'll post the weekly rejects here for you to enjoy.

Here's some from the beginning of the month (a little stale):

Bennie Madoff accountant, David Friehling, plead guilty to fraud and apologized to Madoff’s Ponzi scheme victims. The apology was later rescinded when it was found to be a combination of smaller apologies the accountant had collected over the course of 2008.

Giant pink Nomura jellyfish sunk a 10-ton fishing boat in Japan. When reached for comment Godzilla rolled his eyes and said, “Amateurs.”

New York re-elected it’s richest resident, Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Detroit, taking the same approach, re-elected an empty can of beans.

Kellogg got in trouble for labeling its cereals with a claim that the cereal could boost immunity. The label also claimed that side effects might include, toucan nose, crispies elbow, and type 2 diabetes.

Influential French academic Claude Levi-Strauss died on Tuesday. He is best known for writings on anthropology and structuralism that were often torn and faded by the cool academics in the 80s.

Here's some rejects from this week (much fresher):

Sarah Palin appeared appeared on "Oprah" this week. This is notable as her first appearance on the show and the first time she's met a black person.

In an interview with ABC News' Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin called President Obama's handling of the economy, "backassward." When asked what she would do differently, Palin replied, "Get 'er done!"

An Illinois prison is being considered for Guantanamo detainees. Surprisingly, only a third of the detainees have expressed interest in running for Governor.

Mall Santas are lobbying for swine flu vaccines. However, legislatures want to maintain the true meaning of Christmas by vaccinating guys who look like Jesus first.

Catholic churches in Italy have begun using a hands free holy water dispenser to ward off H1N1 and demons.

Hopefully, as I write more of these they'll get better and better.

Not funny

2009-11-18T17:32:00.002-06:00

I've been off my game lately. It's tough busting ass to make just barely enough money to survive, and still having debt collectors calling you up a couple of times a day. And it kind of got to me.

A couple of months ago, I started feeling horrible about myself. I hoped that it would go away, but it did not. Instead the horrible feelings got worse. For the past month and a half, I woke up every morning wanting to kill myself. I didn't want to go out and interact with people because I feared that I would be a drag. I lost interest in comedy. My feelings of self loathing and suicide got to be too much, and I went to the doctor about two weeks ago. I've been put on anti-depressants and began therapy.

I'm fine now. But I figured since only friends and family read this thing that ya'll might want to know why I've been kind of weird the past couple of months. It's also why I have not been going out much.

I also bring this up because there's this myth that an artist needs to suffer to be creative, and/or a comedian needs to be sad to be funny. Horse shit. I probably should have been put on meds a long time ago, but was worried it would stifle my creativity. I'm actually getting more done now creatively because I don't have depression causing problems with my ability to make decisions. And being dead really puts a damper on creativity. Unless, you're one of those Bodyworlds corpses.

Now I'll get back to real blogging, and writing, and such.

blarg...and poetry

2009-10-30T15:25:00.002-05:00

So my brain's not doing what I want it too. Hopefully, I'll get myself together and recap the Chicago Moth story slam that I did on Tuesday. For now, I'll let Theodore Roethke talk for a bit:

In a Dark Time

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood -
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul,
At odds with circumstances? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.
That place among the rocks - is it a cave,
Or a winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is -
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Buck Up Chicago!

2009-10-02T16:19:00.002-05:00

I know you didn't get the Olympics. You went all out, and even sent over your black friends to show how cool you are. Instead, it went to a city filled with gorgeous physically fit people, and perpetual summer. Here's Rio today, and here is Chicago today. Rio is still wearing bikinis and looks like it would celebrate even if the Olympic committee announced it was canceling the Olympics forever. If I were in Rio, I would be playing soccor on the beach to kill time before going to the dance hall so I could have a good night's sleep covered in a blanket of well shaved women in tangas. Meanwhile, Chicago is gray, rainy, and ready for a nap.

I've been whole heartedly lukewarm to Chicago's Olympic bid. As I said on twitter "Maybe now Mayor Daley can focus on getting the citizens of Chicago bread instead of circuses."

Yeah, that's right! I just blogged a quote from my microblog. And that's why Chicago can't have the Olympics because of craziness like that. Wait! I was trying to cheer you up. Yikes! Messed that up. Ok, here's some Chicago 2016 comedy sketches. Because we might not have the Olympics, sunshine, or gorgeous people, but we still have the world's best comedy:

Part 1:

Part 2 (see if you recognize the coach):

Favorite Photos

2009-09-14T11:46:00.003-05:00

I've been slowly going through my photos and making a group of photos that I've taken that are my favorite. While making my favorites, I had yet another person favorite this photo:

Since I did not take it I did not include it in my set, but I love this photo. This is from the UCB Theater in NY. We were there doing Don't Spit The Water, and this is a backstage reference to a bit from the UCB TV show. I'm not sure if you can tell, but, in the photo, I'm either pulling my pants down or up depending on if you think I'm entering or exiting the hot chicks room. I'm surprised there are not more hot chick's room photos on the internet. This used to be the first picture you find when you search "Bryan Bowden" on google which makes me feel kind of special. Now on the first page is this nude rendering of UCB member Amy Poehler. This also makes me feel special. It also makes me feel like any employer that googles potential employees will never hire me. A small price to pay for a visit to the hot chicks room.

A Naked Lady with Her Pet Lion

2009-09-09T13:13:00.005-05:00

If I was a naked lady standing next to a lion, I would have to do absolutely nothing to gain your attention. I would have your attention immediately. Actually, to say I'd have to do nothing is inaccurate. See, I would have had to take my clothes off, tame a lion, and be a lady. I am too lazy to do any of those things. So I recruited this picture from 1930 to do the attention grabbing, and hopefully hold it long enough to get you to read this:

Get all the 11-18 year olds you know to sign up for my stand-up comedy class at the Second City Training Center!!! This is the last week to sign up before classes start on Saturday.

I've probably lost your attention again. I understand. That kind of thing happens all the time on the internet. So here's a picture of a old timey contortionist with his head going up his butt:

Pretty impressive, no? Well, that's not as impressive as the upcoming show that I'm in called Impress These Apes! It's a comedy talent competition where 8 contestants try to impress a panel of hyper-intelligent apes from the future over the course of 8 weeks. Each week brings different challenges. The show begins on Wednesday September 16th, 8PM at Comedy Sportz and is only $10. PLUS! I am one of the hyper-intelligent ape judges this year. I'll be playing the country cousin ape Bushmeat. Here's his bio:

Famed for his Ozark grizzly bear wrestling talents, Bushmeat became the de facto leader of the red highland states extending from his porch to where ever he can hit you with a rock. Stories abound regarding his feats of strengths, and sexual prowess all of which Bushmeat claims are true and attributed to his home brewed sour mash elixir. The loudest story Bushmeat tells is his mass conversion of the heathen Melungeon robots of the Inner Tribates, and the scar to prove it. He proclaims himself a plain old fashioned hyper-intelligent ape from the “REAL” future. Bushmeat’s intrests include beer, babes, and explosions, in that order. He is also distantly related to Professor Peter Boyd.

Alright. You can have your attention back, and continue to watch kitty cat videos.

(image of lady and lion from A Journey Around My Skull)

If Tennessee Williams wrote "The Room"

2009-08-24T01:21:00.002-05:00

If you are unfamiliar with Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" then watch this and watch some of the clips on youtube. And when you get the chance go see the movie. It's so bad it's amazingly good. I get the same feeling while watching this old preview for "Baby Doll". It looks terrible, but I want to watch the preview over and over again. I wonder what Tennessee Williams felt watching his script get turned into this pulp pablum.

And that is what "The Room" would feel like if it was written by Tennessee Williams, but directed by Tommy Wiseau.

Wedding

2009-08-10T10:03:00.003-05:00

My friend Scott got married. I took some pics. The full set is here. These are my favorites (click on the image to see it full size):

More of Japan being awesome

2009-08-01T14:26:00.005-05:00

I love Japanese folk creatures. Here's one I just discovered the Tanuki. Tanuki is an actual raccoon like animal, BUT it also has some fantastic legends to go along with it:

The legendary tanuki is reputed to be mischievous and jolly, a master of disguise and shapeshifting, but somewhat gullible and absent-minded.

I know, I know. How is that awesome? It's only kind of awesome. What makes Tanuki really awesome is that he is known for having really, really large testicles:

Yes, that is a picture of a raccoon-dog attacking umbrella carrying Japanese men with his gigantic testicles. Why? Besides sheer awesomeness, the real tanuki does have pretty big balls. The folk animal Tanuki has them as part of his "8 special traits that bring good fortune: The eight traits are: (1) a bamboo hat that protects against trouble, (2) big eyes to perceive the environment and help make good decisions, (3) a sake bottle that represents virtue, (4) a big tail that provides steadiness and strength until success is achieved, (5) over-sized testicles that symbolize financial luck, (6) a promissory note that represents trust, (7) a big belly that symbolizes bold decisiveness, and (8) a friendly smile".

So now I'm on the hunt for a cute Tanuki statue to help bring me good fortune. Something like this would look great outside my apartment:

How long would it take for someone to notice that the cute animal statue is sitting on his giant testicles? Hopefully, just long enough for some financial luck to rub off those balls and into my life.

OH SNAP!!!!!

2009-07-22T19:55:00.002-05:00

I have performed only twice this month. I'm working my butt off to earn some mad money by teaching summer school near midway and by teaching stand-up for the Second City training center's summer camp. One of my performances was to warm up the crowd before my summer camp students attacked the mic with full frontal hilarity. The other was this show at Chicago Underground Comedy at the Beat Kitchen:

I mention all this because 1) I think that was a fantastic performance and 2) to show you that my bike peddle looks like this:

Whoa! Where's the peddle? Oh, here it is:

Let's try to put them back together:

Not going to happen. Most of ya'll know that I do not own a car, and use my bike as my primary means of transportation. So to get to Midway where I'm doing summer school, I take a combo of train and bike. My peddle snapped right as I was leaving school which made for a longer trip back home.

"So crankarms snapping like twigs, is that common on KHS bikes that are only a year old," I ask the nice people at Uptown bikes where I purchased it. Turns out the answer is no. Not at all. They have only seen that happen once before. It should be covered under warranty and other then missing my bike for a few days everything should be fine.

I'm just amazed that a one in a million (probably even longer odds) occurrence occurred, and I won absolutely zero dollars. In fact, the only thing I won was a bruised taint from hitting the top tube on the way down.

I keep trying to figure out how it might have broken. Am I being secretly sabotaged? Though that is the most interesting theory it is about as likely as me being haunted by a demon poltergeist who hates bikes and my taint.

What I think happened was that I had a sudden explosion of super strength. So I'm a secret sometimes super hero. Bad guy crankarms better watch out! I'll snap you with my sometimes super strong quads! OH SNAP!!!!

KILLER POLLO!!!!!!!

2009-07-12T19:27:00.003-05:00

I'm teaching summer school to 8th graders on the south side of Chicago right now. I gave them a character assignment last week. They had to write 10 character traits and then draw a picture of the character. Then they had to write who, what, when, where, why of the character. Some went so far as to start a story with the character. Here is one:

Yup! That's a character named "Killer Pollo" who is creeping up to kill the nation's first dinosaur president. Here's the story the student wrote (note that this is a rough draft so don't judge the grammar and spelling errors):

Killer Pollo is in Mexico after being deported from the U.S. Today we find Killer Pollo in his apartment trying to find a job. "Pollo" the land owner said. His name is DAVE who moved to Mexico from the U.S. because of his criminal record. "Que gringo," Killer said. "Estoy buscando un trabajo," he said to Dave with a furious look and started to yell and bang the door. Killer Pollo left his apartment through his window. Walking through the streets, he notices an "ad" in the news paper saying, "Bounty Hunter wanted." He picks up the paper and reads the ad. "That's it," he said. The next morning, he receives an envelope. In it is his assignment. The task is hunt down...

Yeah! It just ends like that because he ran out of time. I take it Killer will end up going to kill the president. But I don't know if it is the president of Mexico or of the U.S. This is embarrassing but I cannot remember which country currently has a dinosaur president. I should try harder to keep up with current events.

I'm being so Mayo right now

2009-07-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

You're right absurd commercial, I need to stop being "so mayo". Tomorrow I start teaching summer school for a month. It's good to teach and get paid which is nice. BUT I'll be traveling all the way down to Midway every day for a month, AND I have no car. Plus, I'm teaching a stand-up day camp for high school students, AND I'm doing a workshop for Chicago public school teachers on how to let their students do stand-up in the classroom to help with learning. This month might end up kicking my ass. Ooof!

But I'm still so mayo. See those guys in the commercial? They are showing their awesomeness through rooftop BBQ and expensive urban fashions. They're bucking the establishment so hard that they eat fake mayonnaise! Not like that sad sack who's sitting on a lawn chair being fat and boring. Boo! Boo to you sir! How dare you sit down and relax on the roof on a summer's day! You're so mayo! And...that looks real comfy...you mind if I sit down and glare at this rooftop of beautiful youth who are trying to hard? Ahhhh...now that's some good mayo.

I think if I HAD to identify myself with a spreadable sandwich topping, I would be aioli. Because I'm delicious, under appreciated, and stuck up but in a charming European sort of way. My party would look like this:

Now that's a party. But I'm not that much fun. I would be like the European version of fake aioli:

MAYO 4 LIFE!!!!

Amazon.com knows me better then I know myself

2009-06-24T19:25:00.002-05:00

Yup, I looked at one wolf shirt. I must be the type of guy who wears shirts with bad ass man eating animals on them all the time. Thanks amazon.com!

Nicer Film Titles

2009-06-18T11:20:00.002-05:00

I like playing along with goofy joke twitter trends like #threewordsaftersex, #liesboyssay, and #iranelection. Yesterday the game was #nicerfilmtitles. Inspired by Dan's prodigious collection of 53 titles he posted on twitter and then amassed on his blog, here are mine from yesterday:

1. The Exercise-ist
2. Sophie's Simple Choice (which I now wish was Sophie's Taster's Choice)
3. Chariots of Warmth
4. Lord of the Butterflies
5. Beauty and the Beauty
6. Sweet Home Anywhere but Alabama
7. Timemisdemeanors (Las Cronofaltas)
8. 28 Days Later, and Everything's Fine
9. Ihopeyourbackfeelsbetter Mountain
10. Pirates of the Caribbean: Last Will and Testament
11. Charlie Wilson's Tiff
12. Hemoglobin Diamond
13. Conan the Noble Savage
14. Children of an Equally Important and Culturally Significant God
15. Abattoir-Five
16. Low Socio-economic Class Millionaire
17. The Muppets Acquire Manhattan
18. Octovagina
19. Road Residence
20. Night of the Living Living
21. Restorative Attraction

My favorites are numbers 6, 8, 16, and 20.

Farts and Shows

2009-06-11T10:29:00.003-05:00

If you use twitter then you are familiar with websites that make URL shorter. Now you can make your URL shorter and make it FART. By using http://farturl.com/. If you use it enough you will get a picture of me as Timekeeper Willis farting you to your link.

I also have 6 shows in the next two weeks. Which I'm pumped about, and would like for you to come to one or all of them.

June 13th @ The Playground Theater 3209 N. Halsted $15

I'll be part of a 24 hour show that is raising money for suicide prevention called Too Soon!. I'll be up onstage at 4:25am. Even if you are not on your way to your job at the steel mill, or your paper route, or coming home from a hook up, you can still donate here to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

June 14th, 9pm - Entertaining Julia @ Town Hall Pub 3340 N. Halsted FREE

I'll be doing stand-up with my favorite comedy ladies Beth Stelling and The Puterbaugh Sisters. The band brittain ashford will also be there who is a band I met through the power of twitter. Neat stuff that twitter.

June 16th, 9pm - Just for Laughs Open Mic @ Bella Bacino 47 E. Wacker Dr. FREE

Just for Laughs is in town this week. This open mic is sort of the pre-game. I am thinking it will be a blast to do comedy on a patio of a fancy establishment by the river.

June 20th 8pm & 10:30pm - Don't Spit the Water as part of the TBS Just for Laughs Fest @ The Playground Theater 3209 N. Halsted $15

I'm very excited about this show! It's a fun show that we have not done in a while, and it's part of Just for Laughs, AND we're bringing back some of our favorite comedians such as T.J. Miller, Nick Vatterott, Jared Logan, and more.

June 26th 10pm - Last Snob Standing @ Chemically Imbalanced Theater 1420 N. Irving Park $10

I will be at my fighting best in this stand-up comedy competition. I'll be competing against some great Chicago comics as well as folks who have been on Comedy Central. So I'll be warming my elbow up to drop it on these amazing comics:

* Kyle More- CHI
* Scott King- CHI
* Joe Kwazala- CHI
* Paul Ogata- LA
* Pat Galante- NYC
* Rick Carino- CT
* Marz Timms- CHI
* Dustin White- CHI
* Danny Kallas- CHI

That a lot of chances to see my stuff. Hope you make it out to one of them.

("Museum of Fine Farts" image from daveboudreau)

Twin Peaks

2009-06-07T23:17:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in my high school stand-up class the show Twin Peaks. Turns out none of them had ever heard of it. Which makes sense since it came out before they were born. But it's sad that they've never had a chance to watch a backward talking midget. Now with the power of the internet they can:

Also, searching for that scene I found out that the whole series can be watched online for free. And I found this, which amused me:

Yup, "Twin Beaks". That's the level of sophistication going on in my brain.

You know times are tough when...

2009-06-06T11:03:00.002-05:00

You know times are tough when I apply for a tutoring job and it turns out to be a scam. I sent my resume and an e-mail to a job post for a tutor on craig's list and this is the e-mail I got back:

Hello,

Thank you for the email,i want my kid for the tutorial. A Girl of 14 yrs, more so for accepting the offer and its okay by me,I have made contacts with my Daughter concerning the arrangement of the tutoring which she told me is ok by her and i want you to know that i am going to pay for 1 month,which should be $40.00/ hr(which i have in mind) And am planning that you will be teaching her 2 times a week,which is 2 hr per week,so get back to me with the total fee for the subject when you will you be available to teach her during the week.Also i want to let you that we don't live in the states, we live in the United Kingdom.

So my Daughter will be coming to the states by Middle of June , 2009 and i want her to study more about what she needs to know while she is in the states.. So i want let you know that i will be sending you the payment inform of Cashiers Check / Money orders for the tutorial , so as soon as you get the cashiers check/ money orders cash you will deduct cost of tutoring of the lesson for one month and you will be sending the remaining balance via Western Union / Money Gram to her guardian that will be taking care of my daughter,i will send you the guardians information to you later. Regarding this, kindly send your full information such as full name as it should be written on the check , address and phone number to receive the payment so it can be made out to you on-time.

So i hope i can trust you that you will teach my Daughter good academics and some moral respects so that they can be good to their self in the future.

I hope i can count on you for the tutorial and the money to be sent to the Guardian.

Thanks and waiting to read from you.

Kindly get back to me with all the necessary details needed such as full name as it should be written on the check, address and telephone.

Look forward to read from you soonest

Regards

John

Sorry "John", I don't think I'll be taking part in your overseas Western Union quick change operation. You'll have to find someone else who you "can count on you for the tutorial and the money to be sent to the Guardian" in order to "teach my Daughter good academics and some moral respects so that they can be good to their self in the future".

Just dance

2009-06-02T19:02:00.002-05:00

This video hit me for some reason in my brain dome cage. See, there's this dude and he's like, "I love this song and I love dancing." And so he does. No one else is but who cares. Then another dude comes along and they're like, "dancing is awesome!" And then everyone realizes that dancing is pretty rad and, instead of dancing where ever they are, they run over to dance with the ones who are having the most fun. And just like that it's a party.

You know that horse shit phrase, "just keep doing what you love" which is usually said by boring people who keep doing what they tell themselves they love? Well, it's true. Keep doing what you love, BUT you have to love it, and keep doing it, and enjoy it, and always have fun while doing it. Because you know that dude would have had a great time even if no one came over and danced with him.

Pics and an Upcoming Show

2009-05-29T17:58:00.002-05:00

I just got a show at Zanies 1548 N. Wells on Monday June 1st at 8:30. I'll be doing 10 minutes which is a generous amount of time for Zanies to give me. If you have the $10, I would love to see you there.

Also, check this pic out:

This was in the men's bathroom at Ginger's Ale House on Ashland and Irving Park. I'm still trying to figure out what was the intent of the person who wrote this. Are they saying you should honor your parents and NOT buy a condom or honor them and buy a condom. Because both answers make some ideological sense. I think not bringing babies that I cannot afford into the world is how I honor my parents. But does the graffiti writer think that this would sway or dissuade someone from buying a condom. Or maybe I'm thinking too logically about this and the statement has nothing to do with condoms. There was just some drunk disgruntled father with a sharpie who had to let all the men know that parents should be honored. He was probably about to write "and pick up your goddamn toys" before he was bounced.

That reminds me my mom's birthday is coming up. I wonder what I should deface in her honor. I'm thinking a boxcar. She deserves it.

And here's a photo of Sean Flannery from Sean Flannery Unlimited:

No reason. It was just a great show, and I like the pic.

Latest music video trend: public nudity!

2009-05-19T12:34:00.003-05:00

Yup. The newest music video thing is to have people surprise the public with nudity and put it on film. Oh...and there's music in there somewhere. Quite scandalous! The first one I saw was Matt and Kim's "Lessons Learned":

Matt and Kim - "LESSONS LEARNED" (OFFICIAL VIDEO) from FVMMO FILMS on Vimeo.

I love Matt and Kim, and find their gorilla nudity in Time's Square more hilarious then titillating. I also love surprised crowd reactions, and naked people escaping from the police.

Now the band You Make the Girl Dance has a sexy naked video for their song "Baby Baby Baby".

Even with the censor bricks my eyes are bugging out a bit from the sauciness. I think I might actually learn french if the lessons were written on the black censor bricks of models.

I realize I'm in a hipster music phase right now. I think it's because I wish I was in Budapest washing my jeans in the sink of a hostel right now listening to this Eurotrash remix of Kanye's Robocop. Instead, I'm hunting down affordable health insurance and summer work. My point is nudity is back in fashion because the economy is so bad no one can afford the Versace and Gucci that normally accompany musicians in videos. And I accept and appreciate that. Now I'm going to go have a pants off dance off.

Pics

2009-05-13T14:05:00.002-05:00

I'm taking photos again. Here are some new ones:

Hey have you seen that new Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus trailer?

2009-05-12T19:16:00.002-05:00

I'm stealing a page from Ricky Carmona's book to talk about the new movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. First, enjoy the trailer:

Yup. Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, a shark eating a bridge and a plane. If we were playing the $10,000 pyramid you would answer "things that just made you yell WTF?" and you would be correct.

When I saw this I thought "hadn't a really horrible movie about a giant shark already been made?" I was thinking of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. A movie that I have never seen all of but has some of the best terrible scenes ever. Here are my two favorite:

and the most famous line in the whole movie (and best most NSFW pick up line ever).

Ever since Jaws, movies with sharks in them just suck. Which is a shame because sharks are awesome. So is Lorenzo Lamas.

Music video stuck in my head

2009-04-24T11:13:00.003-05:00

I have this video for the Thunderheist song "Jerk It" stuck in my brain. It's simple and suggestive (as is the song) but not explicit. And that's one reason why I like it. I also have gotten into watching super slow-mo lately. It makes everything seems a bit more magical. Click here if you can't see the embedded video. It actually made me buy the Thunderheist
album which I am very much enjoying.

thunderheist - jerk it from thatgo on Vimeo.

Another reason I like the video, it reminds me of a short story by Lewis Nordan called "Sugar Among the Chickens" from the short story compilation Sugar Among the Freaks. Lewis Nordan is an amazing author and I recommend grabbing one of his books and diving into his quirky Southern Gothic world. But in the story (which I might remember incorrectly), Sugar goes fishing for chickens in his yard. The rooster gets mad and attacks his head. I don't want to give the whole story away, but the line that sticks out in my head goes something like "a boy with a rooster on his head can do anything." I'm paraphrasing since I don't have the book handy. But I keep thinking of that line while watching this video. The idea of having strength and ease while holding something unwieldy like a flapping chicken is the lesson of the day.

I will never write anything this good and/or awesome

2009-04-23T23:07:00.003-05:00

I subbed in a 4th grade classroom today. One of the students has some pretty rough learning disabilities. The whole class had to write based off of the prompt: "What if snow tasted like chocolate?" First off, this student corrects my spelling. I wrote "chocalate" on the white board because I'm dumb. Then he first draft nails this masterpiece:

What if snow tasted like chocolate?

what if my house was chocolate all day
long to chocolate all night do eat that chocolate
chocolate is the tastiest of food in the entire Earth
now the taste chocolate rainmilk and watermilk
milk taste like chocolate candy and milk and water
food is like candy place in the world down mission
taste the candy food to find target and food for less
and soup is tasty ABCFGHIG, words so talking
bog is a wonder to spelling word observed and spoken
become a talking is a wonderful thing to talk
wonderful to be a sing dog

Do you know how much money is spent each year on drugs and writing classes from young hip wealthy youth just to try and write something half as avant-garde as that? Nice work young sir.

Looking good on a bicycle

2009-04-19T12:52:00.002-05:00

It's no secret that the sporty athletic wear of bicyclists is the oddest outfit known to man. It seems that the real secret is that you DO NOT have to wear the skin tight spaceman outfit every time you ride a bike or even at all.

I love riding my bike. I ride it all year round in this crazy Chicago weather. It is my primary form of transportation (with the bus and El being my secondary). I do not own any Lycra, and wear normal street clothes when I bike. This should not be a revolutionary idea, but, apparently, it is. There are a bunch of articles about wearing nice clothes on bikes in a recent New York Times. The model for fashionable bike riding are the Dutch who ride their bikes more then they drive, and look good doing it. They ride a bike that moves much slower and has chain guard and fenders to keep grease and street grime off of the bike driver. Here's a nice slide show and audio presentation on the Dutch bike from the New York Times. This bike is now becoming a bike status symbol with it's $1,500+ price tag. Yes that is too much to pay for a bike. Especially since bikes get stolen all the time in Chicago. You could probably do just as well with an old used bike. Since bikes are quite customizable you can add the fenders and chain guards and such as you see fit.

If you have a bike built for garment protection, what should you wear? Again, the New York Times has you covered, but only if you are ridiculously wealthy and enjoy the challenge of removing grease stains from your Prada coat. To see normal people looking good on a bike, I would recommend you check out the Velocouture blog. It's pics of normal folks looking stylish while riding their bike. Since I like to wear torn jeans and a t-shirt when I bike around town, I'll never be in their flickr pool, but a boy can dream.

Now go out and ride your bike.

The Second City influence on 30 Rock

2009-04-17T22:48:00.002-05:00

Today I was watching 30 Rock, and one scene caught my attention. This scene felt like I could be watching it in a Second City review. Second City's style does not rely on a lot of props and costumes since it draws it's scenes from improv. So the writers and directors come up with creative ways to show on stage what television and movies would normally show as a montage. In the case of this 30 Rock scene, the camera tightens on the protagonist Liz Lemon. She continues to talk while minimal props and background color change indicate a change in location. At the end of the scene, the audience gets a concrete passage of time from another character, "Almost midnight". It's a nice little trick to show the audience that while Liz changed locations, she did not change consciously her work-oholic mentality over the course of a couple of hours. Also, she enjoyed herself so much that she lost track of time as it flew by.

On stage, this use of lighting and prop change on a stationary character would be a wonderful way to tell the same narrative.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to notice this. However, these little super smart touches make 30 Rock one of my favorite shows to watch on TV.

Tea Bagging Party

2009-04-15T21:35:00.005-05:00

America's bags were gently cradled by the toothless mouth of misinformed histrionics today. Sometimes you think you're doing what democracy likes, and it turns out democracy is really not into that at all. I mean, democracy is really cool and down for most anything. It's just that not a lot of people are into tea bagging, and democracy is kind of a trend follower.

I'm hoping that some of the tea baggers today came to a realization. The same kind of realization that comes to a young man who realizes nothing in a porn is real. Those are actors who are not having a good time, but just doing a job for money, and no one has sex like that (or at least no one should). I'm hoping the tea baggers have this realization about Fox news. Those are actors who are not having a good time, but just doing a job for money, and no one thinks like that (or at least no one should).

So there! America tried something it saw on TV and it got weird for most of us, but it'll be fine. We'll be able to laugh about it as a democracy later...actually, we're laughing about it with our robust vox populi right now. Next time let's try something democracy is into...like taking care of one another...or shiny sexy leather.

(pic from reallyboring's take on the tea party)

Silence

2009-04-08T10:51:00.003-05:00

I have been pretty mum lately on the blog. It's because I'm going through some critical self evaluation stuff right now. A lot of it stems from the lack of money and health insurance in life right now. Substitute teaching is better then most temp work, but I don't want to be a sub for another year. I have a masters degree and I'm really good at teaching. I feel like I'm working harder then I ever have, and getting very little in return. It's very frustrating to be good at something (like teaching) and yet be unable to get a decent paying job because of it.

This stress has lead to me being very critical of who I am as a performer, and what I want to do with performing. It's good to evaluate oneself from time to time, but right now I'm being falsely negative toward my abilities. I'm not a superstar talent, but I'm definitely above average. I'm also trying to figure out how to focus myself enough to actually write the great stuff in my head down. I know I'm good at writing. However, I have zero discipline. My ADHD kicks in and my focus goes all over the place. Then I don't get distinct goals accomplished, which makes me feel lousy about myself. Crap crap crap. Adderall take me away!

I try not to get too emotionally expressive on this blog. That's why I've been so quiet. The last thing anyone wants to read is me whining or dropping paragraphs of my self doubt all over the place. Also, I'm not very good with public emotions. I was not raised in an emotionally expressive family. That's not a criticism. My family is wonderful. For me, not expressing emotions is good and bad. It's good because I'm a male, and being emotionally reticent is a sign of strength. It's bad because when I'm feeling down, I cast myself into exile so as not to bother others. Which is the opposite of what I should be doing.

But stepping back and looking at my past year, I've done some pretty great stuff. I also have some great shows coming up in the next two months. So I need to chill the frak out. Also, I just got into Battlestar Galactica.

So this was me hugging it out with myself. I'll get back to better blogging, now.

Lord Of The What !

2009-03-22T20:58:00.001-05:00

Lord Of The What !,
originally uploaded by Paaland.

Read the plot summary for this bootleg "Lord of the Rings" vid. You can see how the movie clearly deviates from the book.

Stand-up set from Chicago Underground Comedy

2009-03-09T16:26:00.003-05:00

Most of ya'll have already seen this set from Chicago Underground Comedy, but I'm proud of this set. The reason I'm dressed like a schlub is because I was not expecting to go up. But some folks got sick that night, and I got asked to go up. I'd like to think I was asked up because a) I was there and b) I'm very funny. But, as the host awkwardly pointed out, it might have been because c) I'm dating one of the the producers. However, for being a last minute nepotistic fill-in, I think I did really well.

If you want to see some more, then you have two opportunities coming up. I'll be doing the man on the street at the Lincoln Lodge this Thursday and Friday March 12th and 13th at 9pm as Timekeeper Willis. Then I'll be at Zanies on Monday March 16th at 8:30 with more, and better clothes on.

Picture of Bryan by one of his students

2009-03-08T22:18:00.001-05:00

Picture of Bryan by one of his students,
originally uploaded by Elizabeth McQuern.

I've got some pretty big muscles for a "Mr.s B".

Robot Holocaust

2009-03-02T15:37:00.002-06:00

Hulu.com just added the best worst movie I've seen in a while. Even the name is the awesomely bad: Robot Holocaust. The name sounds like the story will be about the destruction of robots. No it's a post-apocalyptic movie about robots taking over the earth or as hulu says, "Against the decimated ruins of the New York City of the future, mankind has lost its dominance on Earth following the robot holocaust." The acting and story are terrible in the funniest way possible. I recommend it, highly.

What Bryan Needs

2009-02-23T16:19:00.003-06:00

I read this blog called zoomdoggle which is created to spread good time loafing round the world. Today they presented a game to find out what you need. Here's how you do it:

Google knows all. Simply google your name, and the word NEEDS, all in quotes. Whatever comes up is, well, exactly what you need.

So when I search for "Bryan needs" this is what I, apparently, need:

-a top

-a job

-"BRYAN NEEDS HELP URGENTLY!"

-a title for his home page

-to ink me ASAP

Also that picture of a Japanese...um...let's call it a robot reliever is in the images section of what I need.

Oh internet! You are too much!

Ready?! FIGHT!!!

2009-02-22T20:37:00.002-06:00

My friend Andrew DeWitt is creating custom paintings of you (yeah, you), in your favorite scifi/fantasy comic, cartoon, TV, and/or movie. I got some cash and I want to buy one. But I'm having trouble figuring where I want to put myself. I'm trying to decide between samurai, medieval fantasy, or anime. Which made me hunt down that awesome scene from Yojimbo where Sanjuro goes on a rampage chopping up every bad guy in sight.

It's an amazing fight scene. Which, with the beauty of the internet, led me to this, the worst (and/or most hilarious) fight scene of all time.

So good. It's got every fight cliche known to man: licking the knife, ripping clothes, fighting girl, odd dramatic death, and a cheesy one liner to end the fight.

Want to feel old

2009-02-17T18:59:00.003-06:00

Through the crazy interconnectivity of the internet, I read this blog post from a person I do not know named Lindsay Roberston titled, "Hey Want to Feel Old? Click this Link". The link takes you to some college student's tumblr that links to the Peter, Bjorn, and John song "Young Folks" and the student saying that the song reminds them of moving into their freshman dorm.

Guess what? That song is 2-3 years old. That does not make me feel old. What SHOULD make me feel old is when I reflect on the song that reminds me of my freshman year in college, "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers. That came out in 1996. Get out some paper. Do some math. Yes! 12-13 years ago. You get a gold star.

Oddly enough, that doesn't make me feel old. I think I was more freaked out about the passage of time when I was in my 20s. Of course, I keep looking better as I get older, and my brain is less crazy. So 1996, you can have that crap song from my freshman year in college. I'll take less generalized anxiety and my long flowing beard.

So, what song reminds you of your youth?

I love online personality tests

2009-02-16T09:39:00.003-06:00

When I get bored, I take an online personality test. It's not that I don't know myself. It's just slightly re-assuring to know that I'm 70% Carrie Bradshaw or 64% the color blue.

Today I took an online Jung type personality test. I took one of these at a career guidance center in college. It breaks down your personality into a four letter result. The world feels so much calmer reading my past 30 years of nature, nurture, and fortuna boiled down to four letters. It turns out that I have not changed since college because I'm still split between being an INTP and an ENTP. The first letter means introvert (I) and extrovert (E). Somehow, I am both, 50/50, right down the middle. Which would make my personality that of a 5 year old and/or manic depressive, seemingly.

The last three letters are intuitive (N), thinking (T), and perceiving (P). Individually they are boring, but put all these letters together and you get my split personality. You can read for yourself about the ENTP personality and INTP personality. What I caught my attention was this line from this page describing the ENTP personality:

"dangerous, fearless, careless, emotionally stable, spontaneous, improviser, always joking, player, wild and crazy, dominant, acts without thinking, not into organized religion, pro-weed legalization"

I put my favorites in bold print "emotionally stable" and "pro-weed legalization". The emotionally stable thing got me because it follows the words "dangerous, fearless, careless". Yeah those ENTPs will punch a bear in the face, and steal a cop car, but are totally down to earth if you just get to know them. Add to that "pro-weed legalization". That's not a personality trait, but more of a political stance. Also among favored careers, "dictator, strategist, web developer, assassin." None of those are actual careers. Those are just day dreams of who ever created that site.

To be fair I should probably read the INTP description. Here are my favorite descriptive phrases with me chiming in with italics:

"wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence (thanks Kierkegaard you just described modern man), can be lonely (that describes almost everything, including house cats, trees, and the sham wow guy), familiar with the darkside (then embrace it and become part robot already Darth), more likely to support marijuana legalization (I am beginning to smell an agenda, or is that Afghani Kush?)"

So as you can see, I learned nothing new about myself. However, I have entertained myself immensely by exploring Jungian psychology as expressed through some surly teenagers website. "Leave me alone, mom! I'm an INTP today! And give me back my pot!"

(picture from vonkrankipantzen)

It's Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T12:12:00.000-06:00

This video expresses it all right here:

Birfdays!

2009-02-09T08:40:00.006-06:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 31 years old. I don't feel like I'm in my thirties, hopefully I don't look like I'm in my thirties, but this rough year ain't over yet. I went to Big Jones with the GF to celebrate my eventual age induced wisdom.

Big Jones is the restaurant I didn't know I was dreaming about every night. Let's check off what I loved about it: delicious southern food (check), amazing cocktails (check), some sweat-soaked soul classics
playing all the time (check and mate). I drank up The Original Sazerac, and ate up some shrimp and grits. Who's the big winner? I am!

But this month is chock o' block full of Chicago comedian birthdays. On February 8th alone, I co-celebrate existence with improviser friends Sammy Tamimi and Erin Cunningham (who I know from the Playground Theater). Also this month are Nellie Huggins, and Alison Lieber (both Lincoln Lodge folks). AND this weekend I went to the B-day party for fellow Blewt! member Fuzzy Gerdes. In fact, Fuzzy blogged about his party here.

The star attraction at Fuzzy's was a bottle of a liqueur called Malort. It's a super gross tasting wormwood liquor that used to be made in Chicago. Fuzzy had party goers take shots of Malort and photographed the results. Malort hits you in a wave of flavors. First there's a hint of bad liquor, then the taste of earwax, and then bugspray which stays with you for quite a while. Here are mine:

Is that earwax?

BUGSPRAY! And I want to punch this drink in its stupid face!

Good times. And happy birthday to any February snow babies I might be forgetting.

$2 for Andrew Bird's "Noble Beast"

2009-02-08T22:24:00.002-06:00

Amazon has a special right now. $2 for Andrew Bird's album "Noble Beast".

You can't beat that.

Chicago does not want me to teach here

2009-02-04T20:07:00.002-06:00

I wrote an entry over at Chicago metblogs responding to a Tribune article about the lack of teaching positions not just in Chicago, but in all of Illinois. It makes me sad, and makes my search for a teaching job seem hopeless or maybe just pointless. I'm frustrated.

At what point should I just give up looking and move someplace that needs teachers? I got an e-mail that the Aldine School District outside of Houston, TX is hiring. Starting salary of $44,000. It would be nice to have a full time teaching job in a warm climate, but I would have to put up with ignorant Texans who would try and force me to teach creationism. I would refuse to teach creationism and abstinence and, most likely, be hung in the town square. I also found a job offering teaching middle school in the Virgin Islands.

But I don't want to leave Chicago. I like it here. I have cool friends and a cool GF. I get to perform comedy, and teach at the world famous Second City. There's public transportation, and it's bike friendly. It's a fun city, and the only city I've ever felt totally at home in.

So I want to stay, but I feel like my need for employment during this economic downturn is only going to get worse. Any thoughts?

Adventures in subbing

2009-01-29T09:47:00.004-06:00

All in all this was a pretty good week for me subbing. I'll be subbing 4 days this week which is the most I've subbed so far. I don't mind subbing, but the hard part is all the work I have to put into getting a handful of sub jobs. I'll spend today calling about 20 schools hoping one of them might need somebody next week. Today I also have to take my resume to two schools for them to consider me as a sub for their school.

So far this week, I've taught a 5th grade class, an English class, and an art class. I was also told that I look like a surfer dude, and Brad Pitt with Jesus hair. Both answers are correct.

The art class was fun. The students had to make a poster for the anti-cruelty society poster contest. Here's the details on the contest. The theme was "Making a difference for animals". My favorite entries were from the kindergarten class.

I like this one because it says, "to make a difference for animals, you should place them in a Piet Mondrian painting".

Here we have a student reminding us that if you're taking your giraffe for a walk, it helps to have long legs.

This is my favorite. The man in the middle is being gleefully devoured by tigers. So if you want to make a difference in the life of a tiger, you should let it eat you.

I think we all learned a little something about making a difference in the lives of animals. Now make a difference in my life and find me a teaching job.

I love me some Daily Show

2009-01-19T18:12:00.001-06:00

This was from the Daily Show on Thursday, but I just watched it today. Let's see how the Republicans can re-brand themselves:

How Tumbarumba made me laugh at the Laist

2009-01-18T15:25:00.004-06:00

After reading the boingboing article about it, I decided to install the tumbarumba extension to my firefox browser. Tumbarumba is a short story anthology in the form of an extension that hides bits of the short story text into the text you are already reading. So I'll be reading nytimes.com and a sentence will not make sense so I'll click it, and get more of the story, again, get more, and then again to get the whole short story. It's a cool concept. The stories are okay. So far I've found and read five of the eleven stories and there was only one that bored me.

BUT the reason I even mention tumbarumba is because today I was reading an article from the blog Laist.com titled "28 Things to do in Los Angeles in the Dead of Winter". The idea being "hey Chicago and New York is cold, LA is not...suck it". Yeah, it pissed me off a bit. Which is why I was pretty happy to see that this was a page that Tumbarumba kicked in and gave me this sentence (click for a larger view):

It says:

"It's been over 80 degrees lately in Los Angeles -- on the beach.

Enjoy your highs of 22 (New York) and -5 (Chicago) today, along with this photo gallery of 28 things we like to do in the dead of winterdead babies, one of your colleagues would come into the bar of the Lowell to tell you he had a line on a rocket up to Ptarth and were you in? And of course you were. Outside, of course.

Sincerely,
LAist

PS: Hahahahahahahaha."

The combination of surreal text with the snarky tone makes the snarky article sound like it was written by a madman. It also improves the article 100%. I don't hate LA. It's fine. I hate the whole "we have sun and you don't" line of civic pride. But I also really love Chicago, and it's winters. So I'll let my man comedian Bill Hicks express my rage with much more clarity then I ever could from his album Arizona Bay:

A video with all of my favorite things

2009-01-14T09:26:00.003-06:00

Let's count how many of my favorite things are in this video: 1) It's from JAPAN! 2) it has dogs 3) it has a chimpanzee 4) the dog treats in the first bit look like bacon or beef jerky and 5) it's funny! Enjoy!

Gonna party like it's 1909!!!

2009-01-13T21:15:00.003-06:00

My 90 year old grandmother (who I call Mimi) sent me a sweet thank you card for her Christmas gift. In it she wrote:

"My prayers that 1909 will be a super year for you - with comedy, work, health, and happiness".

It's a sweet sentiment that's about 100 years too late. OR she foresees me discovering the secrets to time travel! 2009 will be the year that I become Dr. Who.

Just kidding Mimi. It's a super sweet note and I cannot hold a minor flub like that against a woman who is 90 and still does yoga.

But it did get me thinking about what 1909 (back when my Mimi was a -9 year old) was like: the average worker made $12.98/week for 59 hours, the average life expectancy: 47.3 female, 46.3 male. There were only 8,000 cars on the road and only 10 miles of paved road to drive them on. More people died from lynching than from car accidents. The federal budget was 690 million dollars and unemployment was at 5%.

Police arrested women for smoking in public.

Looking at great deeds of 1909 done by people who lived in countries where my genes were brewing: French engineer Louis Blériot, 36, makes the first crossing of the English Channel in a heavier-than-air machine; German bacteriologist Paul Ehrlich finds a cure for syphilis; and Irish polar explorer Ernest H. (Henry) Shackleton, 34, reaches the South Pole. Of these stories, Shackleton's is my favorite because he enlisted men for his Antarctic expedition with the notice, "Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success". He is knighted upon his return.

My main hope for 1909..er...2009 is that I have the good fortune that Ty Cobb had from 1909-1928: In 1909, the Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series, defeating the Detroit Tigers 4 games to 3. Detroit outfielder Ty Cobb takes his World Series money and invests it in shares of a copper mine at $3 per share; he will sell the stock next year at $1,000 per share, but his best investments will prove to be Coca-Cola, whose stock he started accumulating last year after signing an endorsement contract, and a small motorcar company that will be taken over by General Motors, helping to make Cobb a millionaire by the time he retires in 1928 even though he will never have received more than $5,000 per year in salary.

So have a great '09 folks! No matter the century!

(photo from how to build and repair)

The one goal I did not accomplish in 2008

2009-01-12T22:03:00.002-06:00

I wrote a list of goals for 2008 and did a pretty good job of accomplishing them. The one goal I did not achieve, and that has been placed on the 2009 list?

Get a dog.

Seriously, I need a dog. Partly because I drop lots of food on the floor and don't like to pick it up. Dogs are great at picking up food (and not food) from the floor, holding it, and then depositing it (hopefully) in a steaming pile outside my apartment. Also because I love dogs.

And I need someone to blame my farts on.

I've already found the perfect training technique to help make '09 year of the dog.

dog.

I'm in my retro phase

2009-01-11T21:13:00.002-06:00

I was talking to friends about "It's Gary Shandling's Show" and Keith mentioned that "It's Gary Shandling's Show" was inspired by a show done by Michael Nesmith (yeah, from The Monkees). So I used the power of wikipedia to find out more about the show that inspired Gary Shandling. Turns out Nesmith had a show called "Elephant Parts" that he made from the money he inherited because his mom invented liquid paper. The show combined some of the first music videos along with comedy sketches. Here's a comedy sketch from the show that still works in 2008:

This was not the show that inspired "It's Gary Shandling's Show", but "Elephant Parts" helped Nesmith get a short lived TV comedy called "Television Parts" which had Gary (and a ton of other comedians like Jay Leno and Whoopie Goldberg) as guests. "Television Parts" is supposed to be the show that inspired "It's Gary Shandling's Show".

I found a couple of sketches from "Television Parts" on youtube, but I have yet to find any that I like. Also, I have yet to find any with Gary Shandling. I guess I'll just have to take Keith's word on it.

Snow!

2009-01-10T10:58:00.002-06:00

Seriously, we got dumped on. What was that 12 inches of snow:

Ha! What an awesomely horrible song that was! But the mix of repulsion and joy I get watching that video is the same thing I get when it snows for real. Here's a palate cleanser for you:

Enjoy the snow.

Me playing Wii

2009-01-09T15:18:00.001-06:00

This is me playing Wii at Ken Barnard's party. That's James Fritz in the background. I'm the blur.

Guess what I have in common with Barack Obama?

2009-01-08T18:40:00.002-06:00

My twitter account got hacked. Or something. I'm not sure what, but today I came to my blog and was asked for my twitter name and password. In fact, it asked every visitor to my blog for their twitter name and password. I hope that you did not type it in, and I'm sorry for the bother. I removed the twitter widget and changed my password, and everything is fine now. But man...f'n twitter. I just signed up for it, and I enjoy it, but it's got some problems to work on. Which means it could go the way of the ugly myspace or the more streamlined facebook. Or die like friendster (anyone remember friendster?). Point is my blog is 90% less hacked and I have a brand new super strengthened password:

Fishing in the 90's

2009-01-07T18:02:00.004-06:00

Hey, remember when I was on that episode of the quirky early 90s fishing show with John Lurie? No? That must have been Willem Defoe then. Seriously, though how come it took me so long to find out about Fishing With John. This show is mint!

Death by black hole!!!!

2009-01-06T14:15:00.004-06:00

I've been fascinated with space since I was a kid. And I've been super fascinated with black holes since I first saw the move The Black Hole. Which is why I loved this talk from everyone's favorite astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson based on his book Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries.

I wish the video of the talk was embeddable but it is not. So you have to click here to listen to it.

(photo by Aaron Dinham)

Update: Japan is still awesome!

2009-01-06T09:28:00.002-06:00

A human slip and slide? Japan, we've got to hang out sometime soon.

Students Talking About Stand-up

2009-01-05T18:18:00.003-06:00

The editing took me longer then it should have, but here are my students answering questions from the crowd about the stand-up class and such. I'm looking forward to teaching stand-up comedy to high school AND middle school starting January 15th. This video has two parts.

Part 1

Part 2

If you know any high school or middle school students who want to learn stand-up then call up Second City, Chicago at (312) 664-3959.

Was it a good day?

2009-01-02T16:58:00.001-06:00

Was it a good day,
originally uploaded by Chknbone.

I was not sure if today was a good day until I read this flow chart based off of the writings from O'Shea Jackson.