I'm being so Mayo right now

You're right absurd commercial, I need to stop being "so mayo". Tomorrow I start teaching summer school for a month. It's good to teach and get paid which is nice. BUT I'll be traveling all the way down to Midway every day for a month, AND I have no car. Plus, I'm teaching a stand-up day camp for high school students, AND I'm doing a workshop for Chicago public school teachers on how to let their students do stand-up in the classroom to help with learning. This month might end up kicking my ass. Ooof!

But I'm still so mayo. See those guys in the commercial? They are showing their awesomeness through rooftop BBQ and expensive urban fashions. They're bucking the establishment so hard that they eat fake mayonnaise! Not like that sad sack who's sitting on a lawn chair being fat and boring. Boo! Boo to you sir! How dare you sit down and relax on the roof on a summer's day! You're so mayo! And...that looks real comfy...you mind if I sit down and glare at this rooftop of beautiful youth who are trying to hard? Ahhhh...now that's some good mayo.

I think if I HAD to identify myself with a spreadable sandwich topping, I would be aioli. Because I'm delicious, under appreciated, and stuck up but in a charming European sort of way. My party would look like this:




Now that's a party. But I'm not that much fun. I would be like the European version of fake aioli:



MAYO 4 LIFE!!!!

Amazon.com knows me better then I know myself

Yup, I looked at one wolf shirt. I must be the type of guy who wears shirts with bad ass man eating animals on them all the time. Thanks amazon.com!

Nicer Film Titles

I like playing along with goofy joke twitter trends like #threewordsaftersex, #liesboyssay, and #iranelection. Yesterday the game was #nicerfilmtitles. Inspired by Dan's prodigious collection of 53 titles he posted on twitter and then amassed on his blog, here are mine from yesterday:

1. The Exercise-ist
2. Sophie's Simple Choice (which I now wish was Sophie's Taster's Choice)
3. Chariots of Warmth
4. Lord of the Butterflies
5. Beauty and the Beauty
6. Sweet Home Anywhere but Alabama
7. Timemisdemeanors (Las Cronofaltas)
8. 28 Days Later, and Everything's Fine
9. Ihopeyourbackfeelsbetter Mountain
10. Pirates of the Caribbean: Last Will and Testament
11. Charlie Wilson's Tiff
12. Hemoglobin Diamond
13. Conan the Noble Savage
14. Children of an Equally Important and Culturally Significant God
15. Abattoir-Five
16. Low Socio-economic Class Millionaire
17. The Muppets Acquire Manhattan
18. Octovagina
19. Road Residence
20. Night of the Living Living
21. Restorative Attraction

My favorites are numbers 6, 8, 16, and 20.

Farts and Shows

If you use twitter then you are familiar with websites that make URL shorter. Now you can make your URL shorter and make it FART. By using http://farturl.com/. If you use it enough you will get a picture of me as Timekeeper Willis farting you to your link.

I also have 6 shows in the next two weeks. Which I'm pumped about, and would like for you to come to one or all of them.

June 13th @ The Playground Theater 3209 N. Halsted $15

I'll be part of a 24 hour show that is raising money for suicide prevention called Too Soon!. I'll be up onstage at 4:25am. Even if you are not on your way to your job at the steel mill, or your paper route, or coming home from a hook up, you can still donate here to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

June 14th, 9pm - Entertaining Julia @ Town Hall Pub 3340 N. Halsted FREE

I'll be doing stand-up with my favorite comedy ladies Beth Stelling and The Puterbaugh Sisters. The band brittain ashford will also be there who is a band I met through the power of twitter. Neat stuff that twitter.

June 16th, 9pm - Just for Laughs Open Mic @ Bella Bacino 47 E. Wacker Dr. FREE

Just for Laughs is in town this week. This open mic is sort of the pre-game. I am thinking it will be a blast to do comedy on a patio of a fancy establishment by the river.

June 20th 8pm & 10:30pm - Don't Spit the Water as part of the TBS Just for Laughs Fest @ The Playground Theater 3209 N. Halsted $15

I'm very excited about this show! It's a fun show that we have not done in a while, and it's part of Just for Laughs, AND we're bringing back some of our favorite comedians such as T.J. Miller, Nick Vatterott, Jared Logan, and more.

June 26th 10pm - Last Snob Standing @ Chemically Imbalanced Theater 1420 N. Irving Park $10

I will be at my fighting best in this stand-up comedy competition. I'll be competing against some great Chicago comics as well as folks who have been on Comedy Central. So I'll be warming my elbow up to drop it on these amazing comics:

* Kyle More- CHI
* Scott King- CHI
* Joe Kwazala- CHI
* Paul Ogata- LA
* Pat Galante- NYC
* Rick Carino- CT
* Marz Timms- CHI
* Dustin White- CHI
* Danny Kallas- CHI


That a lot of chances to see my stuff. Hope you make it out to one of them.

("Museum of Fine Farts" image from daveboudreau)

Twin Peaks

I mentioned in my high school stand-up class the show Twin Peaks. Turns out none of them had ever heard of it. Which makes sense since it came out before they were born. But it's sad that they've never had a chance to watch a backward talking midget. Now with the power of the internet they can:



Also, searching for that scene I found out that the whole series can be watched online for free. And I found this, which amused me:



Yup, "Twin Beaks". That's the level of sophistication going on in my brain.

You know times are tough when...

You know times are tough when I apply for a tutoring job and it turns out to be a scam. I sent my resume and an e-mail to a job post for a tutor on craig's list and this is the e-mail I got back:

Hello,

Thank you for the email,i want my kid for the tutorial. A Girl of 14 yrs, more so for accepting the offer and its okay by me,I have made contacts with my Daughter concerning the arrangement of the tutoring which she told me is ok by her and i want you to know that i am going to pay for 1 month,which should be $40.00/ hr(which i have in mind) And am planning that you will be teaching her 2 times a week,which is 2 hr per week,so get back to me with the total fee for the subject when you will you be available to teach her during the week.Also i want to let you that we don't live in the states, we live in the United Kingdom.


So my Daughter will be coming to the states by Middle of June , 2009 and i want her to study more about what she needs to know while she is in the states.. So i want let you know that i will be sending you the payment inform of Cashiers Check / Money orders for the tutorial , so as soon as you get the cashiers check/ money orders cash you will deduct cost of tutoring of the lesson for one month and you will be sending the remaining balance via Western Union / Money Gram to her guardian that will be taking care of my daughter,i will send you the guardians information to you later. Regarding this, kindly send your full information such as full name as it should be written on the check , address and phone number to receive the payment so it can be made out to you on-time.

So i hope i can trust you that you will teach my Daughter good academics and some moral respects so that they can be good to their self in the future.

I hope i can count on you for the tutorial and the money to be sent to the Guardian.

Thanks and waiting to read from you.

Kindly get back to me with all the necessary details needed such as full name as it should be written on the check, address and telephone.

Look forward to read from you soonest

Regards

John

Sorry "John", I don't think I'll be taking part in your overseas Western Union quick change operation. You'll have to find someone else who you "can count on you for the tutorial and the money to be sent to the Guardian" in order to "teach my Daughter good academics and some moral respects so that they can be good to their self in the future".

Just dance

This video hit me for some reason in my brain dome cage. See, there's this dude and he's like, "I love this song and I love dancing." And so he does. No one else is but who cares. Then another dude comes along and they're like, "dancing is awesome!" And then everyone realizes that dancing is pretty rad and, instead of dancing where ever they are, they run over to dance with the ones who are having the most fun. And just like that it's a party.

You know that horse shit phrase, "just keep doing what you love" which is usually said by boring people who keep doing what they tell themselves they love? Well, it's true. Keep doing what you love, BUT you have to love it, and keep doing it, and enjoy it, and always have fun while doing it. Because you know that dude would have had a great time even if no one came over and danced with him.