Why Being Broke Sucks

Because I don't have $80 to spend on Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Complete Seasons 1-6

I know. You thought I was going to say because I worry about rent, food, and all the mean phone calls from people wanting me to pay medical bills. Nope. My priorities are askew.

Even without cable to bombard me with commercials, I've developed the seasonal reaction to CONSUME! Though I am happy the internet allows me to see the new Target commercials from the amazing Maria Bamford:




There's a bunch. You can watch them here. Also, I'd recommend watching all of the Bammer's internet show. Here's episode one to get you started:



I'd also recommend her comedy album Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome.

Jokes and Jokes and Jokes

I've started writing topical jokes for the "This Just In" iLarious iPhone app. So if you have an iPhone you can down load the app and have current event jokes written by me and Dan Telfer and other folks who are more famous than us sent to your iPhone every day. You can download it by clicking here.

However, not all my jokes are accepted by the editors of "This Just In." So I'll post the weekly rejects here for you to enjoy.

Here's some from the beginning of the month (a little stale):

Bennie Madoff accountant, David Friehling, plead guilty to fraud and apologized to Madoff’s Ponzi scheme victims. The apology was later rescinded when it was found to be a combination of smaller apologies the accountant had collected over the course of 2008.

Giant pink Nomura jellyfish sunk a 10-ton fishing boat in Japan. When reached for comment Godzilla rolled his eyes and said, “Amateurs.”

New York re-elected it’s richest resident, Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Detroit, taking the same approach, re-elected an empty can of beans.

Kellogg got in trouble for labeling its cereals with a claim that the cereal could boost immunity. The label also claimed that side effects might include, toucan nose, crispies elbow, and type 2 diabetes.

Influential French academic Claude Levi-Strauss died on Tuesday. He is best known for writings on anthropology and structuralism that were often torn and faded by the cool academics in the 80s.

Here's some rejects from this week (much fresher):

Sarah Palin appeared appeared on "Oprah" this week. This is notable as her first appearance on the show and the first time she's met a black person.

In an interview with ABC News' Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin called President Obama's handling of the economy, "backassward." When asked what she would do differently, Palin replied, "Get 'er done!"

An Illinois prison is being considered for Guantanamo detainees. Surprisingly, only a third of the detainees have expressed interest in running for Governor.

Mall Santas are lobbying for swine flu vaccines. However, legislatures want to maintain the true meaning of Christmas by vaccinating guys who look like Jesus first.

Catholic churches in Italy have begun using a hands free holy water dispenser to ward off H1N1 and demons.

Hopefully, as I write more of these they'll get better and better.

Not funny

I've been off my game lately. It's tough busting ass to make just barely enough money to survive, and still having debt collectors calling you up a couple of times a day. And it kind of got to me.

A couple of months ago, I started feeling horrible about myself. I hoped that it would go away, but it did not. Instead the horrible feelings got worse. For the past month and a half, I woke up every morning wanting to kill myself. I didn't want to go out and interact with people because I feared that I would be a drag. I lost interest in comedy. My feelings of self loathing and suicide got to be too much, and I went to the doctor about two weeks ago. I've been put on anti-depressants and began therapy.

I'm fine now. But I figured since only friends and family read this thing that ya'll might want to know why I've been kind of weird the past couple of months. It's also why I have not been going out much.

I also bring this up because there's this myth that an artist needs to suffer to be creative, and/or a comedian needs to be sad to be funny. Horse shit. I probably should have been put on meds a long time ago, but was worried it would stifle my creativity. I'm actually getting more done now creatively because I don't have depression causing problems with my ability to make decisions. And being dead really puts a damper on creativity. Unless, you're one of those Bodyworlds corpses.

Now I'll get back to real blogging, and writing, and such.

blarg...and poetry

So my brain's not doing what I want it too. Hopefully, I'll get myself together and recap the Chicago Moth story slam that I did on Tuesday. For now, I'll let Theodore Roethke talk for a bit:

In a Dark Time

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood -
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul,
At odds with circumstances? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.
That place among the rocks - is it a cave,
Or a winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is -
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Buck Up Chicago!

I know you didn't get the Olympics. You went all out, and even sent over your black friends to show how cool you are. Instead, it went to a city filled with gorgeous physically fit people, and perpetual summer. Here's Rio today, and here is Chicago today. Rio is still wearing bikinis and looks like it would celebrate even if the Olympic committee announced it was canceling the Olympics forever. If I were in Rio, I would be playing soccor on the beach to kill time before going to the dance hall so I could have a good night's sleep covered in a blanket of well shaved women in tangas. Meanwhile, Chicago is gray, rainy, and ready for a nap.

I've been whole heartedly lukewarm to Chicago's Olympic bid. As I said on twitter "Maybe now Mayor Daley can focus on getting the citizens of Chicago bread instead of circuses."

Yeah, that's right! I just blogged a quote from my microblog. And that's why Chicago can't have the Olympics because of craziness like that. Wait! I was trying to cheer you up. Yikes! Messed that up. Ok, here's some Chicago 2016 comedy sketches. Because we might not have the Olympics, sunshine, or gorgeous people, but we still have the world's best comedy:

Part 1:



Part 2 (see if you recognize the coach):

Favorite Photos

I've been slowly going through my photos and making a group of photos that I've taken that are my favorite. While making my favorites, I had yet another person favorite this photo:



Since I did not take it I did not include it in my set, but I love this photo. This is from the UCB Theater in NY. We were there doing Don't Spit The Water, and this is a backstage reference to a bit from the UCB TV show. I'm not sure if you can tell, but, in the photo, I'm either pulling my pants down or up depending on if you think I'm entering or exiting the hot chicks room. I'm surprised there are not more hot chick's room photos on the internet. This used to be the first picture you find when you search "Bryan Bowden" on google which makes me feel kind of special. Now on the first page is this nude rendering of UCB member Amy Poehler. This also makes me feel special. It also makes me feel like any employer that googles potential employees will never hire me. A small price to pay for a visit to the hot chicks room.

A Naked Lady with Her Pet Lion

If I was a naked lady standing next to a lion, I would have to do absolutely nothing to gain your attention. I would have your attention immediately. Actually, to say I'd have to do nothing is inaccurate. See, I would have had to take my clothes off, tame a lion, and be a lady. I am too lazy to do any of those things. So I recruited this picture from 1930 to do the attention grabbing, and hopefully hold it long enough to get you to read this:

Get all the 11-18 year olds you know to sign up for my stand-up comedy class at the Second City Training Center!!! This is the last week to sign up before classes start on Saturday.

I've probably lost your attention again. I understand. That kind of thing happens all the time on the internet. So here's a picture of a old timey contortionist with his head going up his butt:


Pretty impressive, no? Well, that's not as impressive as the upcoming show that I'm in called Impress These Apes! It's a comedy talent competition where 8 contestants try to impress a panel of hyper-intelligent apes from the future over the course of 8 weeks. Each week brings different challenges. The show begins on Wednesday September 16th, 8PM at Comedy Sportz and is only $10. PLUS! I am one of the hyper-intelligent ape judges this year. I'll be playing the country cousin ape Bushmeat. Here's his bio:

Famed for his Ozark grizzly bear wrestling talents, Bushmeat became the de facto leader of the red highland states extending from his porch to where ever he can hit you with a rock. Stories abound regarding his feats of strengths, and sexual prowess all of which Bushmeat claims are true and attributed to his home brewed sour mash elixir. The loudest story Bushmeat tells is his mass conversion of the heathen Melungeon robots of the Inner Tribates, and the scar to prove it. He proclaims himself a plain old fashioned hyper-intelligent ape from the “REAL” future. Bushmeat’s intrests include beer, babes, and explosions, in that order. He is also distantly related to Professor Peter Boyd.

Alright. You can have your attention back, and continue to watch kitty cat videos.

(image of lady and lion from A Journey Around My Skull)