Dentists, I hate you

I hate dentists. Partly because they push and pull and scrape and poke my mouth till it bleeds. Mostly, though, for two other very distinct reasons:

1. Dentists are used car salesmen
2. Dental offices treat tooth care like a religion

What do I mean dentists are used car salesmen? The term used car salesman is shorthand in my family for a smarmy salesperson. Every time I go to the dentist, he tells me that my teeth are ugly and I need veneers or whitening or a molar boob job.

My teeth are far from perfect. I have a gap in the front teeth, and they are unevenly spaced because my upper adult canines did not grow in (disappointing proof that I'm not a werewolf) and I once caught a line drive with my face. I've got a bridge and a crown and the only person who notices and/or insults my teeth are dentists.

Dentist: "You know we have options for improving your smile."
Me: "The only option I want to hear about is you doing your job and shutting the fuck up."

I distrust dentists so much that when I went to one in June and he told me I had two small cavities, I did not believe him. Probably, because they were trying to convince me to get some $800 periodontal work done and that I should pay extra for white filling instead of the insurance covered metal filling. Now the cavity I thought was a lie is asserting itself empirically into the nerve of the tooth.

Which brings me to number two, dentist need to lighten up. I called to get the cavity fixed, and the guy at reception was sort of flabbergasted that I had not been back for months. He tried again to convince me to pay extra for pretty white fillings. I said no. He then treated me in a way that could only be described as unclean or outside of the holy laws of dentistry. To the dental offices horror, I am perfectly happy with imperfect teeth and am, therefore, an abomination.

Look, I get it. Teeth are an indication of social economic status. Right now my SES is about as low as my inflamed gum line. However, I don't care. If someone wants to judge me because they see a glint of metal fillings in my back molar then they love teeth too much. There are actual human beings attached to these calcified tissues, but if you love dentistry more than people, well, I have two fists that could help arrange a visit. POW POW!

I just need my teeth to function. My dream of having a glamorous career in mouth modeling passed from my being long ago. Dentists, just fix my barbarous face hole and let me be on my way.

photo from:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ariannemccarthy/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

The Secret to my SEO Success

I'm on twitter. Lots of folks add me who claim they will optimize my SEO. Turns out that means "search engine optimization." And they have "webinars" to show me how!!!

I don't need that. Here's what you do: type something scandalous about a celebrity and then post a pic. In my case, this pic of Amy Poehler nude always does the trick:



BOOM! I'll have a million hits by sunset!

Best drawing I've ever done!

Parks and Recreation, indeed. *eyebrow wiggle*

The Cuckoo Sub

There is one school that regularly calls me to sub. The teachers and students like me. The administration likes me because I am reliable and don't reek of whiskey, pall malls, and cough syrup. Teachers at this school actually request me for their classroom because I do good work and the students like me.

There is another sub that is often called into this school. After the winter break, I saw him in the halls and realized that he has grown a beard and is now wearing glasses. No big deal. Till one week the third grade teacher told me she wanted me to sub for her class that week, AND the class was going on a field trip so it will be an easy day for me. I was like, "right on. Tell the office so they'll give me the gig." The day comes and instead of getting the field trip sub gig, I ended up subbing for the art teacher. The sub that got the field trip gig was the guy who grew a beard and started wearing glasses.

Now, I might be a touch paranoid. But teachers do not always take time to learn subs names. So they might just say, "can I get the sub with the beard and the glasses." Also, I let the students call me Mr. B since I get tired of hearing them mangle the name Bowden as if it is composed of two foreign phonemes that crashed to earth on a meteorite from a far flung galaxy. This other dude has been trying really hard lately to get the kids to call him Mr. B.

I feel that he is a sub cuckoo.

The cuckoo is what's called a brood parasite. It lays its eggs in another bird's nest. The cuckoo bird hatches first, pushes all the other eggs out of the nest, and then the mother bird raises the cuckoo as its own. Scientist have proven that cuckoos developed this survival strategy after reading many V.C. Andrews novels.

Jobs for teachers in Chicago are so competitive that Chicago public schools is not even having a job fair in January like they usually do. This competition is spilling over to the sub jobs. It does not seem like a huge leap that some other sub would try to mimic a popular sub in an attempt to gain more jobs through confusion.

I know that technically this is kleptoparasitism since he is using mimicry to take the human equivalent of prey from me. But "the jackal sub" is way to harsh for something that is most likely my own kooky thought projections. I won't be officially worried until he starts doing stand-up or dating my girlfriend.

Jokes

I wrote some topical jokes for the iphone's ilarious app that I'm pretty sure got rejected. I won't be telling any of these at the Gallery Cabaret Saturday at 7pm. Instead, I will work on that whole "being funny" part of doing stand-up. You should come by and see how that works out.

Former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, confirmed that he had a child with his former mistress. Edwards stressed that he still believes there are two Americas with his heart in one and his schlong in the other.

Starbucks posted huge profits, which proves that the unemployed actually are using your spare change to buy coffee.

The Obama family donated 15 thousand dollars toward helping the Haitian earthquake victims. The money was immediately distributed as bonuses for the aftershocks.

In a recent survey, college freshman called being well off “very important.” However, they also call beer and cigarettes “breakfast.”

The Supreme Court overturned a ban on political spending by corporations in candidate elections. This verdict was brought to you by the Supreme Court’s good friends at Exxon Mobil.

God dammit!

First off, please donate what you can to help Haiti. Now on with the rant:

What is it about America that makes entire groups of Christians so bat shit insane? I'm talking about this headline:

U.S. group sends solar-powered Bibles to Haiti

I bet this same group sent ice bibles to Eskimos. Solar power bible? Like, what, you can't read it in the dark? Nope more like: "These are solar-powered audible Bibles that can broadcast the holy scriptures in Haitian Creole to 300 people at a time."

Yup, an American faith-based group is sending robots to lecture to the sick, the poor, the starving, the dying.

I'm not a Christian. Yet, despite the fact that I do not go to church every Sunday, and devote time out of my life to study the bible, I can still open the thing up and find Proverbs 22:9, "A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his FOOD with the poor."

Is it possible for crazy groups of well meaning people to be faithful AND practical. Treat your neighbor like yourself. Think to yourself, "if I had just survived a devastating natural disaster what would I want? I would probably put my bible study on the back burner while I try to survive and help others survive. Sure hope god understands."

What in the bible would you read and think, "ah ha! Hearing bible verses is more important than food, shelter, and the clean water I take for granted every day."

I guess if Jesus had said, "'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you HAD ROBOTS SHOUT THE BIBLE AT ME, I was thirsty and you gave me A DIGITIZED RECORDING OF 2000 YEAR OLD WORDS, I was a stranger and you SENT OUT A SELF CONGRATULATORY PRESS RELEASE, etc." I would understand.

But he didn't so I don't. These are the same groups that hate homosexuals because Jesus was famous for turning water into hater-aid. Or is it old testament god we want? Here's why he destroyed Sodom (the butt fuck city), Ezekiel 16:49, "Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."

That doesn't sound gay as much as it sounds like a group of clueless Americans shipping a preachy Teddy Ruxpin to people who need way way more important things.

3rd Grader's Notes

I read part of the young adult novel Sahara Special by Esme Raji Codell
to a class of third graders. After the students left for the day, I found notes taken by one of the students during the reading. The notes are a genius poetic summation of the first chapter:

Zoe
Chicago
To learn
Divorced
Because Daddy's gone
No
Yes sad
They shouldn't be in the
same place
She doesn't have to be with
Peaches

Possibly the best Christmas song ever

Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a Christmas album. Since I hate Christmas songs (I hate any song I hear more then 5 million times), it's pretty rare that I find any that I like. However this duet with Meatwad and Neko Case singing "Santa Left A Booger In My Stocking" wins on so many levels.

Hopefully this will be a nice reprieve from hours of listening to Mannheim Steamroller: